Surrender it All
by javachino
Summary: Buffy and Angel meet halfway after Buffy's resurrection. What they didn't know, however, was the trouble, struggles, secrets, and lies they'd run into along the way. There really is a reason neither one wants to talk about it...
1. Prologue As Told by the Messenger

**Placement: **Jumps around. Early mid-season 3 of Angel (between Carpe Noctem and Fredless), Same time (beteen Flooded and Life Serial) for BtVS. There will be a sequel, post 7th (BtVS- Chosen) and 5th (Angel- NFA).

**Notes: **Please review if you read. I like knowing I have a reason to keep the story going, besides... is this not saving you from a bit of boredom?

**Disclaimer: **Buffy and Angel (and other related characters) own /me/ sadly. Joss Whedon... well he owns /them/. Catch the drift? I'm at the bottom of the food chain here, I just make them and their sidekicks play out scenes from my head to entertain the rest of y'all. I take credit for nothing except the use of the words I place. Also, below is a direct dialogue clip from an episode of Angel yep yep. That's not mine either, although the stuff not in quotes is written with love.

ANY transcripts taken from episodes (aside from writing added in the middle) have been taken from (buffy-vs-angel dot com) and transcribed by Joan the English Chick (pisces (at) englishchick dot com). :)

**Prologue: The Messenger Says it Best**

Sure I never really understood Angel's obsession with darkness and isolation, but I never took time to question his decisions. I always urged him to come out into the light and enjoy life as it is... have a few drinks every once in a while... I mean... alcohol seemed to make all sorts of things possible. Either way, I started to worry about the chap after that little blonde had walked out the door two months ago. After he told me the story that he was cursed with carrying the weight of a whole non-existent day on his shoulders...I tried offering him a few drinks to make the memories fade away but Angel... no, he actually wants to remember it. Can't say that I'd have made the same decision- he's truly an oddity.

Everyday he replays those memories in his head, I don't think he can go a day without weaning himself off of those thoughts. It's almost pathetic, really. This guy's living in the past- and sadly... I mean that in the literal sense. See Angel... he always seems to be on the receiving end of torment and torture but... the funny thing I don't understand- He never tries to make it better. He accepts all this pain and suffering with the claim that he, well, deserves it all. Nobody deserves pain- not like the fastballs he's dealt with. I was surprised, however, to find that he actually took it sort of hard after my death. I didn't think I'd made that much of an impact on his life. Then again, I suppose the little things in life leave the most unexpected footprints.

What got me was his run-in with Faith. The other vampire slayer. She seemed to be one of those spears in the middle of his relationship with Buffy. Something had definitely happened between the two that caused the little blonde one to erupt like she did. Maybe that, or it was just the tension building between the two lovers. It was saying something, however, that the moment Angel landed his punch across her jaw and he froze in bitter realization. He regretted everything that day, especially when he told her to leave 'his city.' So much pain overcame him that he even followed her back to Sunnydale just to apologize.

Things were quiet awhile and then our boy went a little crazy. Darla came and flipped out the worst of Angel. He was so far gone, but then he ended up sleeping with Darla just to /feel/. What happened after Angel's epiphany, however... it's another tale inside itself. He awoke with disgust at what he'd done... with Darla, nonetheless. Angel doesn't usually admit his wrongs, but he kicked her out without a beat. After hearing of Buffy's death not long after, a darkness overcame him. Funny guy, Angel. He thought he'd gotten over the darkness and Buffy- but truthfully he'd never been able to push her from his thoughts. Once more, he told nobody.

Angel'd left for Sunnydale after he heard that Buffy was alive again. Funny thing was, he wouldn't tell anyone what happened- not even Cordelia. Everyone at the Hyperion was wondering exactly what crawled up Angel's ass when he'd gotten back. They all assumed he stalked her a bit and then drifted away once again- but I tell you, my friends, so much more than that happened. Angel had every right to be bitter- confused and terribly unhappy. I'll be telling the story to the best of my own recollection, but remember, everyone- my own recollection isn't all that great.

Either way, I couldn't quite do the tale justice- not without a bit of ladyluck on my side and a good pint of beer. Even then, I'm not so sure I could completely succeed in putting these events down in a story. The drama that ensues... it's heartening my friends, but I'll do my best to tell the tale. Almost like one of those blockbusters you don't get to see everyday. You're going to have to bear with me, I'm just the messenger.

Let me begin by revealing to you Angel's return from Sunnydale- back to Los Angeles. Cordy and Wes... ahh, little did they know. ((_Dialogue taken from AS3 (49) Fredless_))

**((Recap of Angel's Return))**

"He'll be back when he's back," Cordelia assured Fred.

"So - now that she's alive again, are they gonna get back together? Angel and that girl with the goofy name?" Fred couldn't hide her curiosity.

"Well - _Fred_ - that's a difficult question. I think it's fair to say - no. Not a chance, never, no way, not in a million years, and also 'nuh-uh,'" Wesley stated quite plainly, looking over at Cordelia.

"But you said he loved her. And of course she's gonna love him back, because he's so strong and handsome and he really listens when you talk. I-I mean, if you go for that sort of thing, why wouldn't it work?"

Cordy stepped in with a sigh, "Let me break it down for you, Fred." Oh great, now she was pretending to be Buffy. Cordy and her bad acting skills... well, this was actually a pretty accurate interpretation of the Buffster, "Oh - Angel! I know that I'm a Slayer and you a vampire - and it would be impossible for us to be together - but!"

A chortle could be heard from the peanut gallery, and it belonged to none other than Gunn. Wesley's smirk on his face indicated he was game as he stood up to play the part of Angel in this dramatic enactment, "BUT!... My gypsy curse sometimes prevent me from seeing the truth. Oh, Buffy!" Wesley spoke while taking off his glasses and staring at Cordelia longingly.

"Yes, Angel?"

"Oh, I love you so much I almost forgot to brood!"

"And just because I sent you to hell that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends." Cordelia gasps as Wesley grabs her wrist, "Oh!"

"Or possibly more."

"Gasp! No! We mustn't."

Wesley pulls Cordelia in closer, voice darkening, "Kiss me."

"Bite me!" Wesley positions Cordy over his arm and fakes sinking his 'fangs' into the neck of Cordelia. This, however, is the choice moment Angel makes an appearance.

"...How about you both bite me."

Fred is slightly startled, feeling almost embarrassed from watching the two. Jumping up, she squealed, "You're back!"

The guilty look on Cordelia and Wesley's faces only grows more evident as they part from each other hurriedly and look away,

"How'd it go?" Gunn questioned the dark one.

"I think those two pretty much summed it up. To be honest - I /really/ don't wanna talk about it."

Cordy had to try to redeem herself now, plus she was simply nosy, "But... ah, Angel - we're your friends... and, and it-it's not healthy to repress stuff like _this_. You-you need to share your - pain, express those feelings of grief and longing or... The curiosity is gonna kill me!"

Angel retorted dryly, "Oh, no. Wouldn't want that."

"Personally, I don't care at all what happened," Fred's innocent voice spoke up.

"Shut up, Fred," Cordelia commanded angrily.

Angel glances at Fred and sighs, speaking quietly, "Actually, you know what I need right now? - Ice cream. You wanna get some ice cream?"

A gigantic smile appears across Fred's face, "I like Ice cream!" She walks over to Angel and they begin to leave the Hyperion on a quest for ice cream. (No, not cookie-dough fudge-mint chip.)

Cordelia sighs sadly, "Now we'll never, ever know."

"That's right," Angel responded darkly, continuing to exit with Fred.

**-End Recap-**

See, Angel's departing from LA went somewhat like this:

_Angel, Willow's on the phone... She's alive! Buffy's alive_!

Angel rushed out of the room in disbelief of Cordelia's words. He had to see her, he had to go to her... now. It didn't take him long before stating to the rest of the gang, "I'm leaving. Now." Nabbing his coat and not wasting another second, Angel did that 'whooshy' disappearance thing he was so good at. Nobody asked any questions, and everybody knew there was no talking him out of it. What they didn't prepare for, however, for his avoidy mood when he'd returned.

Ah well, let the story unravel then.


	2. So Maybe We'll Just Talk

**Notes: **(Disclaimer on Prologue page. Go see if you care.) Thanks a ton for the reviews! I got a request for longer chapters, so I hope this one fits your guys' expectations. The feedback keeps me writing and I truly adore all of you who've taken the time to drop a comment :) I'm not positive if you will all love the entire fic, but I'll do my best to keep it interesting. Comments, concerns... questions and criticism are all appreciated. Just don't flame pointlessly and we'll have a umm... happy me. I'm glad to have intrigued a few of you, hope you stick around throughout the whole story too :P

**Special Thanks: **I definitely need to thank my beta, Icy Quackers (Alice) for not only keeping me sane, but bestowing upon me her endless knowledge of what goes on in Buffy's brain. -snicker-  
**Dedication: **This story is written for my bestest buddy Danielle- you'd better enjoy it!

--

**Chapter One: So Maybe We'll Just Talk.**

See, our dear heroine, Buffy had been in such a wreck, she hadn't expected a slight curve ball, or another fork in the road that happened to make itself known not too long after she'd regained her bearings. Something deep down in the back of her mind still haunted her. Angel never knew. Well, that was what she'd thought anyway. That minor detail would be assessed, however, given a few moments of them cautiously avoiding each other's footsteps and perhaps a few cups of tea. What she wasn't expecting, however, was that the vampire would call her before she got to him. Willow must've contacted him somehow.

Dialogue from BtVS Season 6- Flooded

Everything was going rather well in the Summer home until Buffy was interrupted by the sounding of the telephone. It was awfully odd that anyone would be calling her house... especially since everybody was pretty much situated at the house- unless Xander was in trouble or- well, she didn't want to think about that. Rising, Buffy looked around slightly paranoid, "Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here... I'll be back." With that, she rushed into the kitchen to pick up the call of treason. It wasn't long before Buffy rushed back into the living room, a changed air of priority in her brisk walk. It was as if she knew where she was about to go, and there was nobody on the earth or any otherworldly dimension that could stop her from doing what she'd set her mind to.

"Buffy, what is it?" Giles inquired, looking over to her with concern.

It took Buffy a few moments to actually get it off of her tongue. Taking a deep breath, she turned around to face her Watcher hesitantly. Should she tell him? Would he criticize her? No, she had a right to go and see him, especially after what she'd been through. Finally, she gave up the quarrel in her head and managed to spit it out, "Angel."

"Is he in trouble?"

"He knows that I'm ... He, he needs to see me. I have to see him," That was all there was to it. She /had/ to see him. What would he say when she explained her life for the past two years? Better yet, how would he react to her return? There was actually no telling in what Angel could do.

"Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow," Giles replied certainly with a nod. Surely she wouldn't just leave now and abandon her troubles, bills and problems, right? Then again that damn vampire with a soul always did gain priority over anything remotely important.

"Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a, a place," She managed to finish hurriedly.

Perhaps if he was a bit more straightforward, she'd listen. It was doubtful, but worth trying, "I see. Well, we should get all these ... bills and things out of the way before-"

"I hafta go- now," Buffy finished with urgency and turned to leave the house. Pausing a moment, she looked back at Giles gratefully, "Um, thanks for taking care of this for me." Did she even know it was the middle of the day? On top of all that, how was she going to get there? Giles shook his head hopelessly. Had he been wearing his glasses at the time, he would have removed them for a habitual cleaning.

**-End Recap: (**Dialogue from BtVS Season 6 Life Serial**)-**

Dawn, being the nosy one, wanted simply to get down to the juicy business. Buffy had just came back from visiting Angel and there was no possible way she didn't have gossip to share! "So..."

Buffy shot her a curious glance and waited a moment, "What so?" She tilted her head pretending to have absolutely no idea as to what that 'so' was meant to imply. Dawn wasn't so forgiving on the 'just drop it and forget it all' cryptic.

"So ... how was it?" Shifting uncomfortably, she decided she may as well get it all out in the open, "Seeing Angel ... him seeing you. Was it weird?" Curiosity killed the cat. Dawn realized, however, that she had made Buffy quite uncomfortable. Either way, Willow, Dawn, and Tara eagerly await her explanation, though Giles acts apathetic.

Not knowing what exactly to say, and not having proper words to explain it all, Buffy swallowed, "Um ... it was ... intense." Yeah, that was it... intense. She barely even noticed Giles off in the corner fidgeting around with something to keep from becoming a part of the conversation. Good thing too, because if he chose to put his two-cents into badgering her now, she'd clock him across his jaw. He had no idea what she'd just been through and how much he'd unintentionally hurt her.

"Well, i-if you wanna talk about it..." Willow's spoke up quietly, indicating that she would be there for her friend if Buffy were to need her.

"I don't. I-it's ... not important. Past. I'd just ... rather keep this one to myself, if that's okay," Buffy replied all too quickly, almost as if she'd planned this response which wasn't surprising since nobody knew how she got wherever she went... and who knows how long her absence was spent traveling or talking to Angel.

Closing the uncomfortable conversation, Dawn leaned back with the knowledge that Buffy wasn't going to give any useful response, "Sure, whatever."

Case closed. Until now, of course.

**-End Recaps-**

You may be asking yourself why I have chosen to recap and reveal these to you, and I assure you, my friends- it is the essential backbone of a beginning. It's not necessarily the beginning that hits us the strongest, but without it we can never make it to the end- that light at the end of the tunnel. Hey, I'm not one of those zany scrooge ghosts of past, present or future, I'm just me. Simply Doyle. Just because what I've shown you here is all that was visible to the naked eye doesn't mean a stronger truth lies beneath this troubled tale. It's really times like this I wish I were corporeal and not of the mostly-dead sense so I could join in the healing process. You know me, doomed to continue watching- and powerless to save them from the mistakes that were made. What can I say, was never a people person myself... but Angel- he needed me. I suppose being a hero ain't all it's beefed up to be in the end. I do get free cable, though. Just wish there was more beer.

Enough about me. Back to the story we return.

Angel taken his un-mysterious sudden leave from the Hyperion Hotel with little regret or remorse. Truthfully, deep down, he wasn't quite sure if he'd be returning to the offices in Los Angeles or not, yet he hadn't really the time or the desire to explain that to his fellow co-workers. There was a reason he kept lying to himself, and that was precisely why he was headed toward Sunnydale this very instant. Buffy Summers. She had not only died a death that should have confirmed her acceptance into Heaven, dying a hero- as Doyle did- but she had also been resurrected. Sadly, however, Angel had a feeling that if it was anything compared to his return... she would definitely need some help getting back into the swing of things. Being brought back isn't something you just recover from... it takes time, patience, and a hell of alot of help. Buffy was there for him to help him recover and now it was only his duty to return the favor. After all was said and done, however, once they discovered where they stood- then he assumed that fate could decide the rest.

He couldn't help but clench a fist in apparent anger at the entire situation. When Willow had returned to tell Angel everything that had happened the last year in Sunnydale, she'd still left a few key factors of Buffy's life out and open for interpretation. There was something deeper that the witch had conveniently failed to mention, and Angel was sure of that due to a gut feeling deep down inside that he couldn't quite explain. That wasn't what was getting to him, though. What was getting to him was the fact that Willow had made no mention of her intention to bring Buffy back to life. She may have briefly let something slip about perhaps having Buffy return to them (in the most casual and nonchalant sort of way)... really just shrugging it off. Angel knew better than that to tell her that there wasn't a single resurrection that he'd witnessed in his entire two-hundred plus years as a vampire that actually worked properly. Okay, so there was /that one time/ but still... Besides, he hadn't taken the witch seriously- or literally for that matter. Nobody was foolish enough to play with dark forces like that... or were they? Angel heaved a heavy sigh in disbelief and shook his head. Poor Buffy.

He wondered, how long had Buffy actually been alive before they decided to actually give him a call? Also, how come they actually decided to call him anyway- who's idea was it? Were they perhaps afraid of what she was or had turned into? There's no way a being could come back like she did and still be the same person. Angel never really talked about what he'd went through after Buffy cast him into Hell via Acathla's merciless hunger but somehow, Angel didn't think that where she'd been in any way would compare to his little vacation to Hell. She had to have been in a much better place and returning to the disgusting hellish wasteland of Earth was definitely not in the normal travel plan. He didn't know what to expect upon arrival. Would Buffy be... well, Buffy? Or something completely different and unexpected?

-----

Silly one, Buffy was. She'd ended up taking a bus for a few miles before disembarking and finishing up the rest of her distance to cover on foot. That was simply the reason she'd left during the daylight- Angel wouldn't be able to leave until sunset anyway- she'd assumed that much. Besides, without a car the trip was a much bigger hassle- precisely why she had to leave exactly when she did. Had she an ounce of brain cells together at the time, she definitely would have questioned Angel's choice place of meeting, though she'd been too flustered to inquire about that the whole few seconds they'd spoken on the phone.

The outside of the building reminded her of an abandoned factory, and the road leading to it had been long since overgrown. Something about that fact made her feel slightly uncomfortable and ask inwardly what the world was coming to? She'd felt a rather strange bond with this place, and hated to see the abandonment and obvious inactivity around her. Sure, she was used to the dead people and cemeteries, but this was different- this wasn't /supposed/ to be empty. She hadn't gotten much of a chance to stare at the building before she was interrupted.

Some dark figure was advancing toward her now and truthfully, she almost hoped it would be something that could bring about her impending doom. What she needed right now was probably a miracle to pull her out of her current cocoon of thought. That or- but then, the figure gripped her shoulders firmly yet comfortably and her reflexes handled the rest. It was good to know she still had those, even after being resurrected. She instinctively brought her lips against his without hesitation and milked his tongue hungrily as she allowed herself to fall victim to his unfaltering embrace. She closed her eyes, deepening the kiss and clinging to him passionately without any sign of concern or hint of backing down. It wasn't until she needed a decent breath that her mouth left his lips.

Pulling back finally to study his expression humorlessly, she blinked, "Angel?" The puzzled state on Buffy's state and the fact that she was squinting in an attempt to reassure her senses that she was actually staring at the ensouled vampire before her indicated that she was, at the very least, surprised to see him there. Funny thing, seeming as they had both agreed upon meeting here, "W-why'd you come back?" She asked stupidly- though the question itself had multiple meanings.

"I could ask you the same question," Angel retorted, "Only I already know the answer." Waiting a few moments, he spoke softly, his eyes focused on her own, "You know I had to see you again."

Backing out of his embrace, Buffy sighed hesitantly. She stared at the ground a moment, rubbing one of her arms with her hand, clearing her throat and shuddering after a brief pause. How could he do that? Make her feel guilty for the words that escaped her mouth? "N-not that I'm not... It's just that..." She closed her eyes and then, upon opening them, slowly looked up to meet his, "I couldn't tell everyone what- where I was... what I've been through... Angel- I was... I can't even explain where I- they ripped me out. They pulled me out of-"

"-Heaven?" He finished with certainty and assurance, slightly lifting a brow more out of knowledge than in question.

"Yeah. Heaven," Buffy swallowed. She bit her lip and began to hug herself habitually, "B-but before that... you know, the whole... having your life flash before your eyes saying? I-It's true... aaaand I think we need to-"

"Talk?" Angel finished, almost knowingly. His eyes lowered to the ground and he shoved his hands in his pockets silently. Buffy responded with a simple nod, and then the long silence ensued- the calm before the storm.


	3. Did We Ever?

**Notes: **Blah blah, disclaimer is on Prologue, nothing new to say. I'm very happy with the reviews thus far. Thanks, y'all make me :) smile. Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint... Took me awhile to get it up, sorry. Next one shouldn't take as long.

Alice (_Icy Quackers_) rocks my fics- and I love her to death (psh and thanks for you-know-who!). And this story is for my bestest buddy, Danielle.

**Did We...?**

Talk. That's something they'd been needing to do for quite a while, that's for sure. Angel broke the silence after enough time had passed for the effect to still be there. Just watching those two is probably entertainment enough for an entire lifetime. His eyes slowly and painfully moved up to meet hers. Whatever she was going to say to him now was most probably not going to be remotely good. Buffy always had that condemning look of pain when she was about to say something dramatic, and Angel didn't quite know if he was prepared to defend himself in this situation. Surely she was going to bring up the day that had never happened? It had still been a part of her life, whether she knew of it or not- and that was not going to be a pretty conversation. Angel's train of thought was broken, however, when his eyes ran across her knuckles. "You're hurt..." Angel swallowed as he reached out and grabbed one of her hands, indicating the fading scars caused when she had broken out of her own coffin. Leave it to the broody ensouled vampire to change the subject. How observant he was. Quite the Champion, really.

Standing there, staring at her hands a few moments, Buffy allowed her eyes to glisten slightly with a threat of tears- although she wouldn't allow that threat to win- definitely not here and now. Just the memory of crashing through the splintering wood and clawing her way to the surface with blood, sweat and dirt caked all over her body... the pain was nearly unbearable. For a moment, Buffy wondered what it would have been like and if it would have just been far easier to allow her body to suffocate in the small enclosure and return to peace once more. These thoughts, triggered by his concern, flooded her mind in such a way that the Slayer almost forgot what she was going to say. Almost. Biting her lip, she turned away and let out a shaky breath. "I know..." She paused a moment, still staring at her knuckes. Now it was as if she were re-judging and rethinking what she was about to let escape her lips. "Is there a reason you're trying to avoid hearing me out?" When she received no answer, she knew she felt his eyes still locked on her- waiting for her to continue. Both knew she wasn't done venting yet. She whipped her head back to stare into his eyes, "Know what hurts the most?" Buffy had to fight a lump out of her throat now, "Continuing /living/ with the knowledge They've given me... the future we could have had."

Angel diverted his eyes now, almost embarrassed. Somehow, he'd expected to never have to confront her about any of the details that had happened on that day- and he still actually had no intention of doing so now- if it could be avoided in any way. That didn't mean she wouldn't pry it out of him, however. She proved to be fairly good at that. "You have no idea how hard-"

"How can you say that?" Buffy demanded, cutting in with eyes narrowed now as she shook her head in disbelief. Angel heaved a sigh and bit his bottom lip in contemplation. He should never had voiced those thoughts, she obviously took it the wrong way. Rolling her eyes, she pushed the comment aside for now, continuing on as if he hadn't said a word,"You know, everyone back home doesn't understand why I can't just return home and be happy for once- why I can't even fake a smile across my face. I have to live everyday knowing what I now know, while still managing to live in a world I was supposed to be dead from," She closed her eyes, taking a breath. "Don't talk to me about 'hard' o-or coping... Pain like that just doesn't disappear."

"I know, and it's never going to. You're going to have to accept that fact eventually. Instead of dwelling on the past, just move forward- to a _real_ future. These images the Powers may have fed you- they don't matter." Right, like Angel was really one to talk. Such a hypocrite, he is.

"How dare you act like I'm just going to walk off and forget it all," Buffy glared at him accusingly, swallowing softly. "W-what, you think I enjoy being on the outside looking in?"

"I-it was in your best interest, the key was to keep you safe," Angel attempted to defend himself, though Buffy would have none of it.

Buffy glared, crossing her arms impatiently. She seemed to be demanding an explanation, and she wanted it now. The persistent blonde was not backing down. "Why does everyone I care about seem to think that I always need to be 'protected' or be 'safe?' I'm _never_ safe, I never will be. God, I'd give anything just to be a little bit normal, but I can never have that- ever." She let out a brief chortle and continued, "And when I try, it always turns out to... disappear o-or be taken from me. Ironic, isn't it?"

"Buffy, I need to know exactly what you're talking about," Angel looked at her seriously, his dark eyes were unreadable. He shook his head and continued with a labored sigh, "Because then I-"

"Because then WHAT? You can get away with hiding more from me? Because I can't know the whole truth?" She let out a disapproving snort of his choice of words and actions. Giving him a dark smile, she was only angering herself more, "I haven't suffered enough? Is that what it is? You... You just want to get by with telling me the bare minimum to- to shut me up! You know what? I'm not going to fall for that this time."

"Buffy, please... I just want-"

Buffy rolled her eyes and, in the most mocking of tones she could muster up, she retorted, "Angel, _please_... I just want the truth. _All _of it- coming from your lips. I have been more than generous as far as leniency is concerned. I think I deserve that."

"If I hadn't done what I did, you could have been killed... and I couldn't protect you. 'A big darkness was coming,' that's what they said..." Angel muttered, foolishly looking away after realizing how useless of a sacrafice it all seemed now. He figured she'd have a snide response to that one.

At first, it looked like the Slayer was going to break into a fit of hysterics, but she settled for a soft chuckle and shook her head. She had no idea what he was talking about or who 'they' were, but she really did not care. "Played the hero real well, doncha think? Did me alot of good. Cause, you know, I didn't just... die or anything like that. You protected me so well. By great darkness, they didn't mean me jumping into a dimensional portal and dying in the process, now did they? I mean that was dark... a-and because you know me- hate to disappoint."

Angel half smirked in response to her laughter. He wasn't so sure if he should be serious or take her jokingly right now since every step each of them took seemed to be on hot coals. He took a shot anyway. "Yeah... ironic isn't it? Those oracles... they sure have a way with tormenting me." He snickered a bit, "Oh! Next time instead of making me mortal, maybe they'll make me into some divine super-"

"You were human?" Buffy interrupted, her eyes bulging out in disbelief. She was using every ounce of stability she had to keep her jaw from dropping in utter amazement. At least that made a bit more sense as to _why_ everything had well, happened... but he had no idea what she was talking about. She thought for sure he was the solution- the key to everything she didn't understand. Wait, what exactly was _he_ talking about? "Angel?" Her voice cracked as she got quieter, "What are you talking about?"

"I-I thought you said you knew," Angel swallowed. Oh no, this wasn't good. "The day- I uhh... I took back, the one that doesn't exist?" Angel placed a hand on the back of his neck. "Well technically I suppose it existed because I know it did... but it also didn't and that's exactly-" Oh great, and had she not just made him feel guilty about losing any shots she had at a normal life?

"You're telling me there was a day... a whole day that involved _us_... as in... _you_ and _me_... that you took back?" She eyed him carefully as if he were some sort of nine-legged toad. Gathering herself together she sighed, somehow remaining strong but speaking slowly, "O-Okay, I thought I'd heard it all, but I guess I was very very wrong. Maybe... there's more we need to talk about than I had thought..."

"Buffy... I-I thought I knew what we were talking about here... I thought that the Powers decided to show you-" Angel shook his head, turning around to look up at the sky and gripping the bridge of his nose in agony. Right, he'd blown it. She hadn't even intended to bring up what had happened, and he had to go and run off his mouth. After a brief pause, Angel added a conclusion flatly, "I don't think there's anything to talk about. Maybe it's best if I..." Yes, that would be a great solution. Run away from the problem at hand- at least he wouldn't have to deal with it then.

"That's it then? You're going to just... walk off on me again?" After receiving no answer from the dark vampire, she nodded dryly, disappointed. "Right, I see. Go on then, get out," Buffy turned her back and crossed her arms, now fighting back a stronger urge to cry where she stood. She didn't expect this conversation to have gone anywhere anyway, but she did not expect Angel to repeat the same mistake he'd made two years ago.Her arm-crossing turned quickly to a desperate hugging of herself as she stared off into the distance.

Perhaps he'd been too harsh on her. She did just come back from the dead, afterall. Besides, he was curious as to what had Buffy so wound up- it looked like she'd been keeping it bottled inside. It had to have been for a good reason, too. Walking up behind her slowly and lifting his arms around hers, he pulled her gently against his chest in an embrace. "Look, Buffy, I'm sorry. It's just- I didn't want... I don't know if I can answer all the questions- I... I'm not so sure I can relive that day over again." Well, sincere as his words may have been, they were still a lie. Poor chap, he relived that day... well, daily. It was part of his routine.

Buffy closed her eyes, allowing the cool breeze to brush past her face and settle her down slightly, but then she felt something wrap around her body. She was actually so focused on the direction of the wind that she tensed and jumped slightly at the touch of his hands. A small smile appeared on her face, and she relaxed against him immediately, just listening to what he had to say. It took her a while to formulate any sort of phrase, since she'd been too busy basking in his arms just like old times. Heh, good 'ole old times. "Angel..." She turned her head to the side and looked up at him, using one of her arms now to cup his cheek and guide his gaze toward hers. Just by staring into his dark eyes, she was able to derive that this was an intense subject for him as well. For that very reason, she didn't want to press too hard for answers. She'd crack him yet, though- she'd have to in order to make sense of everything.

Buffy was going to keep asking questions, that much Angel knew. He also knew there was something deeper that was getting to her, something he couldn't quite put a finger on. Closing his eyes for only a moment, he leaned into her touch and wondered to himself why exactly he'd given it all up again. Right... he had to play the hero. Angel studied her for a while, not saying anything due to the lack of words. There really wasn't anything he could say that he thought would make the situation better in any way. Sometimes silence was the best medicine. It had to have worked, however, because in it only took a few more seconds before he felt Buffy wrap her arms around his neck and brush his lips lightly.

She pulled away slowly and shifted in his arms silently. After awhile of relaxing in his arms, she let out a sigh and looked back up at Angel. "I... I need to know..." It looked as if she were contemplating her next question very carefully. "This day... you say happened... aaand you were human..." letting the last part drift off slightly, Buffy seemed to be waiting for confirmation before she finished her thoughts.

"Yeah... I- I was," Angel replied guiltily, silently wondering where she was going with this.

"Uh...huh," Buffy nodded slightly to herself and kept her eyes focused on his. "So you and me... did we...?"

The pain Angel usually kept hidden inside flashed across his eyes for a split second before he gave her a response to her question- and this time, he didn't lie. He wasn't able to. "We did... More than once, actually."

"...W-well... that explains _how_ she came to be... o-or existed," Buffy looked back at the ground in deep thought, still trying to make sense of all the memories racing through her head. Things she wasn't supposed to remember... This all made too much sense now. Sure, Angel would have to tell her everything about this so-called day she didn't know about, she wasn't going to let him off that easy... but at least another piece fit into the puzzle. Allowing herself to lean into him now, Buffy bit her lip and continued to stare at the ground. That still didn't answer her last few questions, but now they could figure it out... _together_.

"How who existed?" His voice startled her for a moment, she'd been in such deep thought. It took her a few minutes to process his question, but once she did- she acted almost as if he already knew who she was talking about.

"Kat." When the look of puzzlement failed to disappear from Angel's face, Buffy added a clean-cut explanation to help him out. "...Our daughter."


	4. Just the Truth

**Notes: **I've been slacking. I forgot I was moving in and stuff. Now that I'm settled and school has begun, it will be easier for me to write more, so never fear all! I shouldn't make you all wait as long as I did. That was rude of me. This chapter's kinda eventful... as a treat. In any case, I'm trying to be careful and keep from floating into major AU Land with this. If you see something that seems it would be out of sync, seriously let me know- point it out... so I can fix it. I got extra ideas on how to expand the story plot so that... is a plus. More ideas are always welcome, and THANK YOU FOR FEEDBACK. I appreciate it all.

Just for the records, yes- there are lines from "I Will Remember You" in here. Maybe other lines too, but you'll know- it'll be... Jossiriffic.

Thanks a TON to Alice (Icy Quackers) for the creation of Kat (and being the amazingist and most wonderfullist beta I knows! CAW -dies-). Danielle, I miss you. You better enjoy.

This chapter's for all of you.

**Just the Truth**

'..._Our daughter_.' Those words rang through his head multiple times. No matter how hard he thought- how much he tried to believe what she'd been saying, he was unable to. "Buffy... we never had- are you sure you're alright?" He stared at her now with a twisted expression that had crossed the threshold from being confused into more of a concerned glance. "Because I think I would have-"

"Angel... You- you have to believe me! I know nobody else will... I wouldn't even dare to tell them," she whispered, hugging herself once more. They'd probably think she was insane... but Angel- no, he'd at least listen to her. She couldn't talk to Willow... Xander- not even Tara, they'd pulled her out (of Heaven). Dawn was, afterall, who she died for... and she just wouldn't understand. Giles was having a hard enough time believing she was back... and Spike... well, the last thing he'd want to hear would be something with any remote connection to _Angel_. "B-but she was real... I know it because," Closing her eyes, Buffy shook her head, "I-I felt her... I saw her, I held her... I hugged her and God, I _know _I loved her."

"It doesn't make any sense," Angel spoke softly, disbelievingly. He didn't want to come off as bitter, but he was definitely skeptic about the whole bit. Everything she was telling him- it was all just completely inconceivable. None of it could have possibly happened, and they were both adults- grown up enough to be able to separate fact from fiction. Angel would have remembered an event this big, and if Buffy didn't even trust her friends enough to talk to them about it- it was clearly not something... remotely normal. Then again, what was ever normal between the two of them?

"And erasing a whole day that involved you and me does? Look, Angel... I-I... all I want are answers. Why would these... 'Powers' you speak of want me to know about something," she swallowed, shaking her head and correcting herself, "-someone... that never existed? O-or did it really all happen and I just can't.. can't..."

"Remember?" Angel finished for her, knowingly with the raise of an eyebrow.

"Yeah- that word... remember." Buffy looked off to the side, almost hurt. "That seems to be the common theme of things as of late, doesn't it?" Closing her eyes, Buffy allowed herself to feel lost in Angel's arms. That, at least, was one thing that hadn't changed since she'd died and been ripped from Heaven. The comfort and security that she felt while relaxing in Angel's arms eased virtually any problem nagging at the corners of her brain. Everything seemed so much easier, so much more conquerable- as long as she was with him. Then it struck her... almost like a bolt of lightning striking without remorse, "And you..." She pulled out of Angel's embrace now, turning to glare at him in the eyes, a shocked expression on her face as to what she were about to say herself, "..You were- God- you were undead..." Okay, that didn't come out right- but she was flustered.

"But Buffy- I... I am..."  
"N-n-no... I mean..." Buffy tried to gather her thoughts together and formulate an easier and more understandable way of putting it her thoughts into words. "You were not... of the dead- you were-were living- alive!" '_He's alive, Cordelia.'_ "I swear... I think if I-" She closed her eyes, swallowing and moving her hand up to where Angel's heart would be, "I thought I could feel your heart beat." '_I felt your heart beat.'_

It took as much strength as Angel held within him to keep his eyes shut and push away the fragments she had triggered loose from his head- the memories he kept locked deep within his brain, denying access to everybody. The only one who even knew part of what he suffered was Doyle... but he was gone now. It was better to erase these fragments, blot them out, rather than allow the thoughts to slice deeper. "Look Buffy, we both know that's not possible."

It was too late, the bargaining. Buffy had actually tuned him out already and had opened her eyes to stare blankly at his chest in disbelief of what she'd just said. Somehow, everything seemed so vaguely familiar- so close... yet still so far away. It was frustrating, to say the least. Everything in the past few days- and the three months she'd been dead... it was all tampering with her head and emotions. Her carefully placed palm balled up into a fist against his chest and she pressed her head against it, despite everything. It was finally then that she allowed herself to break down completely. So much had happened, she'd been through too much. Now, she was expected to stand strong and do her job. Buffy the vampire slayer had to go and fight the fight, slay the vamps and nasties, and still worry about what her sister would be eating for breakfast. "I can't do this anymore... I just- I just... I want to die."

"You know, I would just _love_ to help you with that..."

Angel snapped his head over towards the direction of the voice, pulling Buffy closer to him in what appeared to be some sort of protective stance. "Lilah," Angel growled, narrowing his eyes at the Wolfram and Hart employee with distaste and a fiery rage that caused him only to clutch Buffy tighter.

He didn't have time to react to what the woman had in store for him- well, Buffy and him. The last thing he saw before he fell to the ground dazed, was a very blurry Buffy.

---

Angel began to regain his focus only to find that whatever was happening in front of him... had absolutely no effect on him. He was just... forced to watch from the sidelines. Shaking his head groggily, he perked up to hear a conversation between... well, him and... Giles.

"I suppose what I am asking is... Do you have the strength to let her go again?" Giles lifted his eyes to meet Angel's, his face sternly made up. "Because if the ritual is not performed correctly and you are even the slightest bit uncertain with the choice you are making-"

"I'm positive." Angel replied dryly, cutting the man off. Sure, Angel was his elder as far as years went, but the wisdom of Giles never really ceased to amaze the guy. Still, he did not need the educated englishman laying the consequences out before him again, constantly reminding him of the outcome. No, he didn't want to give up his chances with Buffy but... how could they be together if the cost is her life? The lives of others? Angel raised two fingers defensively, however, to make sure that Giles didn't foget a point he was about to make, "If something goes wrong, she never needs to know. She shouldn't have to."

"I agree." Giles walked over to the counter and pulled out one of the books he'd been studying. "Now, I would ask Willow to assist us, but as of late I simply don't trust her. She has been abusing magic for sometime now. The last thing we need is for her to get her hands on the dark manuscripts required to perform this spell. Angel, I needn't remind you that if something were to go wrong-"

"I know the risks," Angel cut in rashly, "Been there, done that. Even so, I can't risk anyone else being put in danger. Not Kat, not Buffy, not her friends- Hell, I don't even feel good putting you on the limb."

"Yes, well, some sacrifices are necessary for the greater good of mankind," Giles heaved a sigh, looking over at Angel. "I'm trained to do what Buffy's not prepared to do." '_But I've sworn to protect this sorry world, and sometimes that means saying and doing ... what other people can't. What they shouldn't have to.'_

"Always the hero," Angel smirked over at Giles, knowingly. "We do... what we have to..." Pausing a few moments, he continued as if he'd never stopped, "-not because we can or because we want to but... because it's necessary. You and Wesley- alike in more ways than you're willing to admit."

"I do resent that," Giles muttered, paging through the text now, actually half-ignoring Angel. Everything had to go right. If they would have gotten Buffy involved in this, there was no way she would possibly approve of their steps. Then again, this was a last resort. With the weight of the world on your shoulders, sometimes choices had to be made...

Angel closed his eyes. He'd thought very hard about that day... the day he'd finally turned human. He had to focus and erase everything from his mind... except that moment. There was no margin for error. The spell would allow the anchor to merge their thoughts with another being. The catch, of course, was that the creature had to be at least part demon, and currently dead. That left Angel with two choices- two different confrontations that he was able to get his message across- but the most effective wasn't through his half-demon heroic sidekick Doyle. Nope, Angel had one shot- and he had to be sure this would work. Sometimes the most important tips came from the least expected places... and that was what Angel had to count on. "I'm ready," he stated flatly.

Giles obediently nodded, beginning the ritual with the obscene hand gestures and an amazingly accurate Latin tongue.

--**Spell**--

Okay, wow. It hit Angel with a jolt, and suddenly he was at a different place, a different time, exactly how it'd been laid out in his mind. Those demonic bluish-green eyes blazing down at him, the Mohra's foot placed atop his neck, effectively choking his human body. There was a difference this time, however. Angel wasn't looking up at those fiery green eyes... he was looking down at- himself. So far, the spell was working. As painful as the scene looked and exactly as he'd remembered it all, Angel was unallowed to alter the physical state of anything in the memories. If that happened, a temporal tear could rip through the fabric of other realms, causing chaos. He had to bear with the choices the demon made, while trying to influence himself to make a different choice- but with words.

Originally, the Mohra demon hadn't even bothered to speak to neither him nor Buffy, but after researching Mohra demons, Giles had pointed out to Angel that they were not incapable of speech. Angel only hoped that they spoke English- or at least a language he'd be able to understand. Then again, that's what the whole taking-over-of the mind thing was meant to help with, right? Now... what do you say to your past self to get some attention? Perhaps he should sputter something about the impending apocalypse. Aha! "The end of days has begun and can't be stopped. For any one of us that falls, _TEN_ shall rise." Now if that didn't get his attention, he didn't know what would. Sure, that ten shall rise business was a tad bit of improv, but it sounded urgent.

Angel felt the Mohra's body preparing to stab his past self, but right on cue, Buffy jumped onto it's body and knocked the demon over to the side. Angel couldn't help but feel himself beaming at Buffy's protective stance, and the comment that followed. "You hurt my boyfriend."

It was time to get more warnings in... time was of the essence. He needed another catchy phrase... perhaps, "A great darkness is coming." So it was pretty vague, but still... it was vague enough to need to be questioned.

Already, he could feel the course of history altering slightly. Buffy's comeback was unexpected, but it sounded not only natural- but it was a good one, "You got that right." He could feel every blow delivered in their fight... and Buffy definitely was a force to be reckoned with... especially in this demon's body. She was even feeling confident to raise the challenge, "Come on, this is the great warrior of darkness?"

Just when Angel decided his warning was finished, the course of the battle changed a bit. He felt he had to stick around and catch the outcome... because if, somehow, he'd managed to cause Buffy to lose- he'd never forgive himself. Fighting then ensued, and it actually felt like Buffy was losing- and that was definitely not an outcome he was aiming for. He felt the Mohra throw Buffy into the wall, and Angel flinched after watching the display. The Mohra then made a snide comment all on it's own.. A comment, that Angel realized, was actually quite true... and a very good observation on the demon's part, "Together you were powerful. Alone, you are dead." As he felt the demon pick Buffy up by the throat, all Angel could think to himself was... 'anytime now... anytime!' "What do you think of the great warrior now?" it sneered, staring into Buffy's terrified gaze.

"Little bland," Angel called from the other side od the silo. He picked up salt and tossed it at the demon, blinding him. "Needs salt."

Angel moved to assist Buffy, but the Mohra ended up tossing him across the silo, only getting Buffy angrier at him. The fight continued, but this time, Angel could feel that Buffy was going to win this. He had no idea why he doubted her in the first place, but frankly the look in her eyes had terrified him earlier.

"The light of a thousand eyes.. The jewel in its forehead! You have to smash the jewel," Angel beamed as he heard himself make the observation in the corner... and not a moment too soon. They had it then, now it was up to his decision... well, that and fate.

Angel closed his eyes, focusing on returning back to the Magic Box, where Giles stood, awaiting Angel's command. Angel's eyes snapped open, and he shouted over to Giles, "BREAK IT!"

Immediately, Giles shattered the gem he'd been holding in his hands, and the spell was complete. The man looked over at Angel, hopeful.

"I- it succeeded... I think, I could feel it altering, things changing. We don't have much time and- I don't know what's going to happen but.. I got the warning across."

"We probably will never even know if it worked. We can only begin-" Giles started, but was stopped as soon as a blonde figure entered the room with her arms crossed, looking pretty serious- and hurt.

"How about by giving me an explanation?... because something tells me there's a reason I didn't get the memo about a candle-lit buffet at the Magic Box." Buffy looked around quietly, as if waiting for one of them to start explaining. "And I know you two were up to something. The incriminating looks on your faces just makes you _so_ busted."

---  
Offside, Angel was still in shock. Everything that just unfolded in front of him- it was too much. "This... this day- this time... this never really happened," Angel muttered, shaking his head. "It couldn't- I'd have remembered something like that. I-I mean..."

"Oh no, that day very much happened," Doyle replied coolly, walking up from behind the shadows. "Along with every event that followed and preceded it. That was only a fragment..."  
---

Angel, instead of giving Buffy an explanation, looked down at the innocent young child who had begun clinging to her mother's leg. She resembled her mother in so many ways- most notably her ability to copy most of Buffy's expressions and even the simple genes- like her blonde hair. Kat's eyes locked on his scoldingly, it was almost as if she knowingly condemned him- but only for a moment. Sometimes Angel even forgot how similar to his own that her eyes actually were. It wasn't long after, however, that the stubborn expression (which could only have been replicated from her mother) shifted into an undeniably adorable smile. She let out a tiny stifled giggle that resembled more of a snicker, while she clutched onto Buffy's pantleg tighter, "Daddy's busss-_teeed_."

As a very human Angel looked into her eyes for what was probably the last time ever, he felt something hit him harder than a speeding subway train. The guilt and pain of knowing that... he'd just surrendered everything he had.


	5. Broken

**Notes: **Still appreciate the feedback- I'll do my best to clear up any confusion throughout the chapters. I think I know what was confusing everyone, so I'll elaborate a bit more in this chappie (and below). If you have a major issue with a muddled up brain, please PM me and perhaps we can figure out a way for me to better express what's going on too. I'm always open to changes/alterations to make things easier to understand/read. I don't wanna lose anyone for the sake of misunderstanding. Sometimes my chapters take a while, I do actually research the episodes carefully to try and help add some umph and awe in the writing XD

**Recap/Clarity: **Angel & Buffy meet. Angst. Lilah attacks. Clarification: Angel, unconscious, begins to regain some of a memory he isn't supposed to ever have since _he made the decision _to alter the way things essentially turned out. Angel _was_ human longer than one day, but since his human self went back via a spell at Giles' recommendation, he guided his past (human) self to make a different choice on the 'day that never happened' through influential warnings issued by the Mohra demon. Savvy?

**Thank You** Alice & Danielle. (Because) motivation, ideas, and persistence are valuable.

**Broken**

"You gave it up," Doyle remained standing before Angel. They were standing in what seemed to be a very vivid and unwanted reminder of something Angel had yet to even experience- either that or he already did and didn't recall everything. "Gave everything up, actually. Takes alot of strength to pull off what you just did there." Doyle shoved his hands in his pockets and walked in front of the vampire, who was still staring blankly at his... wait... was that his future self? Either way, Angel could tell he had been human at this point, somehow.

"N-no... I-I didn't... couldn't..." Angel stared at the scene before him in disbelief. It was rushing back to him somehow. He'd been forced to do the spell, to salvage everything he'd worked so hard to create. There was good reason, but he could not quite put a finger on it. "But why? ...How?"

"Oh, but you did. Gave it up for the girl, actually. For Buffy. Angel, look, I'm not allowed to tell you everything. The mind... well it needs to discover things on it's own. Besides, you know I'm dead- you hallucinating chump. I'm not really even here. I'm just a figment of your imagination, created out of guilt..." He paused, speaking softly with a visible glisten in his eyes now, "...all this time and you still feel responsible for my death?"

Angel looked away, unsure how to answer Doyle's question. The truth was that he didn't care if his mind created Doyle out of sheer guilt or if it was fate, he was just glad to have the man guiding him at this time. "How did Buffy know about this? She asked me just a while ago- she knew... Somehow she... remembered."

"Do you remember what you told Buffy that one time she tried to read your mind? After the whole Faith ordeal? Ya know, it was a pity I never got to meet the dark slayer..." Doyle heaved an unfortunate sigh before looking up at Angel expectantly.

"Well, yeah..." Wondering how Doyle would possess the knowledge of that day, Angel had to settle for reasoning that Doyle was, in fact, simply a figment of his imagination. Angel thought back, remembering the day Buffy had been so paranoid about getting some foretold 'aspect of a demon.' When she finally received the aspect, she was 'gifted' with the ability to read minds. Buffy attempted to use that newly-acquired skill as a strategic ploy to get answers to uneasy questions instead of trying to be straightforward and honest with him.

_"You can't get into my mind."_

_"How did you...why not?"_

_"It's like the mirror. The thoughts are there, but they create no reflection in you." _

_  
_"... but the mirror thing? I still don't understand how that relates in any way to how _Buffy_ is remembering something that never happened. Call me crazy, but I'm not making a connection here."

"Yeah... well you were pretty right then. Vampire minds, complicated things. All the thoughts are there, the memories as well, but they still create no reflection- there's no real rebound or escape for them. In order to find what you need, you just have to know where to fish, exactly. Ever wonder where your uncanny photographic memory comes from?" Doyle cocked his head, offering a simple grin.

"Not particularly." Angel shifted slightly. He had the urge to ask Doyle where this spur of knowledge came from, but the fear of hearing the guide tell him once again that he was simply 'a figment of his imagination' didn't bring about a sense of comfort for the broody vampire. "Even so, how does this connect with Buffy?"

"I don't need to tell you that vampires have particular connections to those they choose to sire... Something- it's all in the blood." Doyle let out a sigh, "You've always had a connection to Buffy, I could even see that through the loser you had become by the night I had raided your apartment. You were really a sight, I tell ya. Anyone ever tell you you're almost as much a bastard drunk as when you're Angelus?" Doyle merely smirked, trying to lighten the mood up a bit. Surely that statement was exaggerated a tad. "Well, back when you bit her, though..." Doyle's eyes moved up to meet Angel's, "You sealed that connection. It's... complicated. You could almost say you'd marked her, but you two shared a destiny already.. what with dream-sharing and all. Buffy... when she died... she dove into a portal, that much you knew. Having fallen into another dimension, she somehow gained access to the other (forgotten) version or... set of memories. She's got 'em both, mingled in her mind... which leads her to her current fragile state. Thing is, well, everyone still has those memories... deep within... but without a trigger, they are benign, lying dormant without purpose."

"The trigger... that was... her death?"

"Score one for the hallucinating vampire! Close enough, anyway. You felt her die, didn't you?"

Angel closed his eyes and his nod was almost too small to be noticed. "I did." Swallowing, he looked up at Doyle with a quick change of subjects, still pressing for more answers, "So... _I _just went back to warn _myself-_ my _human_ self...that some 'great darkness' is coming and-and... that made me-"

"Go to the Oracles and revoke your humanity," Doyle finished impatiently, obviously not unfamiliar with the whole story. "Do you understand now?"

"No. It makes no sense! Why did I do it, Doyle? There has got to be a reason!"

"I'm afraid I cannot answer that. That's... not my business to tell."

Angel was about to argue with Doyle in an attempt to get more information, when his train of thought was broken and the memory before him continued to play out as it had began. Part of it wasn't entirely _his_ memory, however, he could affirm that much after his human self ended up leaving the room.

"So am I going to get an explanation anytime soon, then?" Buffy leaned in the doorframe, looking across at Angel and Giles accusingly. "Cause, you know... places to go, vamps to slay- I've got a pretty busy schedule."

"Yes, well... umm..." Giles began to stutter, trying to improvise something convincing to tell her.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Angel muttered, clenching a fist and closing his eyes. "It's done." With that, (human) Angel strode out from the Magic Box in a defeated manner. There was nothing more to tell from his perspective- it was over now. He didn't have the heart to look into Buffy's eyes now, she'd only argue with the choice that he'd made... and God forbid he meet Kat's eyes. She would have been his undoing had the young girl been there earlier. It's a good thing Giles had sent them away, or he couldn't have pulled that off.

A long silence ensued as Buffy watched Angel leave the room. Needless to say, she was confused as ever, she looked up at the one man who had any idea of what was going on. "Giles? I know you have something to do with this. Just give me the truth, I have to know."

"You once asked me to lie to you. I do not have the truth, nor a convincing lie..." the man took in a deep breath, rubbing a temple as if trying to pull the recollection from his mind. "But a simple theory is all I could have to offer."

Buffy glanced down at Kat, her eyes beginning to tear, "He did not just... give it all up?"

Giles cleared his throat, holding true to the promise to Angel not to tell Buffy anything of the spell. Instead, he lied to her. "The good guys are always stalwart and true and the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. We uh, always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."

Kat couldn't suppress a quiet snort while she called Giles' bluff with a smile, "Liar!"

Buffy closed her eyes, straining to keep the tears from falling as she ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. That did it. Were they ever going to get a chance to finally rest? "Thank you," she whispered rather unexpectedly. But to whom or for what, none could truly recall.

--

Buffy stood there, arms crossed. Her expression shot to Lilah only asserted the fact that she was completely uncooperative. "Where's Angel?" She commanded, looking up at the ceiling in ignorance of the lady's wishes. She'd already accepted the fact that they'd captured her for a reason... or ransom. Funny thing was, she did not care anymore- it didn't matter. It was times like these that she truly wished her friends would have let her stay dead. She'd followed Lilah quietly, without opposition. Buffy still wasn't sure if she'd have even bothered to put up a struggle even if they hadn't dragged Angel off the scene with the threat of staking him. How much and what they knew about her and Angel's past was anyone's guess. She had to be careful since she wasn't about to hand anything over on a silver platter though. If anything, she was almost content in providing herself with the entertainment of watching these idiots run in circles hopelessly as they desperately attempted to sway what they wanted to hear from her lips.

They'd came upon Buffy and Angel so quickly, and she'd cursed herself for not hearing them sooner- or broken away with Angel. This attack was not random, it was definitely planned carefully. Somehow, Lilah had proved enough of a distraction or, perhaps, surprise to the broody male to catch him offguard long enough to allow a few shady snipers to launch tranquilizer darts at him. A sedative dose by which, if Buffy was told correctly, could probably knock out a cow twice over. Then she found herself trying to understand why she was comparing Angel to a cow. She had to hand it to them, they had this drill ironed out pretty well. Buffy knew Angel would probably object to her giving in so easily... and he would probably be angry, but that guy still didn't understand the fact that she didn't really need him in her shadow every waking moment of her life. She was strong enough, after all, to fend for herself and make her _own_ decisions.

"You've come back from the dead what... twice already?" Lilah pressed, placing both hands on either side of the table and staring down at the blonde in an attempt to lock eyes with the Slayer before her. She meant business. Her voice seemed to break Buffy's thoughtful trance, and the slayer looked up at her with a cheesy grin. She wasn't going to make this easy for the freaky lawyer-woman.

"Yep, a-and this morning my fortune cookie told me 'You cannot slide uphill.' Shoulda listened to the fortune cookie." Buffy smirked, letting out a clearly annoyed sigh and drumming her fingers on the table. Then she added lightly, "I think maybe that's where Angel gets all his crypticness." Anything to throw off and deviate this stupid lawyer-bitch from getting any information of value. Who did she think she was, anyway? Buffy took this moment to move her eyes to the woman's neck which, undoubtably, sported a fresh bite from some vampire. It looked recent, though not too deep. "Looks like you didn't listen to _your _fortune cookie," Buffy joked, nodding to her neck suspiciously.

"Yeah well, Angel was having one of his better days."

Wait- did she miss something? _Angel _bit Lilah? She just couldn't fathom the dark... handsome... shadowy figure looming over- ack, no. This psychopath had to be mistaken, Angel was a good boy- he didn't bite. He actually told her that once. She had him pinned in the back alley after kicking him to the ground. What a way to meet a guy... and she still remembered the astonished (but undeniably adorable) look on his face. '_I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite_.' Of course, that was before she even knew he was a vampire- or that he really didn't bite for reasons of his own anyway. He was really Joe-hopeless. Just the thought of that memory led her to stifle a snicker, and she glared up at Lilah with distaste. Shaking her head back into the now of things, "Wow. For being a lawyer, you're really stupid." Stupid 'to cross paths with Angel' was something she was dying to add but just didn't. Something inside her stirred angrily... jealously even. Why was Angel close enough to this woman to be within biting range? Maybe she didn't want to know.

"You know, Buffy, you may think this is a joke- but I assure you... your cooperation is..." a light seemed to twinkle in her eyes while she formulated a response, "Let's just say it's mandatory. Well, if you want Angel to come out of this with... whatever it is you people call it... his useless unlife." The smirk that followed darkened the pressing lawyer's features while she pressed for more information almost made Buffy shudder, "Now, the second time you came back from the dead, I understand, it was... three months after your death?"

Biting her lip and deciding how to answer this question, Buffy closed her eyes, trying to block out the thoughts that followed. The ones that reminded her of the welcoming elimination of time, space, temperature... nothing had mattered. She'd been in Heaven for a duration of time that she couldn't even fathom to measure. Three months wouldn't even do it justice- she'd simply been ripped out far too soon. She was happy,"I was dead." Her statement, dry and void of any emotion, rang throughout the small room where she'd gotten the undivided attention of Lilah. "I was dead and I was supposed to _stay_ dead," Buffy added, her voice lowering in order to keep out the shakiness that would accompany her explanation. Her eyes pinned the brunette with a fiery anger, "You have absolutely no idea what I've been through."

"No... but we do have slight expertise in that area. We brought Darla back just a little over a year ago, actually. Terrible work to bring back an entire body _and_ soul from nothing." When Buffy said nothing to her response, Lilah sighed and tried a different approach. A more sympathetic one. "Buffy, we just want to know what you've been through. We can help you."

Buffy didn't even want to get onto the subject of Darla. Whether what Lilah told her was true or not, she just was not going to hear any of it. "Look lady, I have enough problems paying the bills, you think I want to give you details on my life? You already know I'm 'Buffy,' no doubt you somehow targeted me for my uncanny ability to conquer death. Why don't you just wave your hands like a raving lunatic and get the rest of the information from my brain with the stupid shameny creeps o-or wizards or whatever you used to bring Darla back? In case I haven't already made it clear- I reeeeeally don't like you, therefore, I don't think I'll be sharing any information with you this fine evening. I do appreciate the offer, however."

"Yes well, from what I understood that earlier, you just wanted to die."

"Is that your business?"

"Anything that has to do with Angel is my business."

"Okay, firstly- creepy, secondly... well, never mind. Just very creepy." Then Buffy closed her eyes, shaking her head angrily. Just when she thought Angel was a professional stalker- these cheeses make him look like an amateur. Looking up, as if in she were truly going to contribute something useful to the conversation, she beamed mockingly, "Do you get cool uniforms?"

"This isn't helping Angel."

"Why are you after him anyway? What makes Angel such a priority?" Buffy pressed her elbow against the table, leaning her head on it attentively now. She figured she probably wasn't going anywhere anytime soon- and definitely not without Angel either.

"Angel will be playing a pivotal role in the approaching apocalypse. The one to end them all...What makes him a priority, my dear, is none of _your_ business. What we can't figure out is exactly how much he would do for you. First, we thought we could break him if we put Darla in the picture... but Angel.. see, he's stronger than we expected. Did you know he intentionally allowed Drusilla and Darla free reign to attack seventeen and kill fifteen of our best lawyers- me included?"

"Kudos to you for surviving." What Darla and Drusilla did was really none of her business... and didn't Lilah say that Darla's soul was in-tact? Either this lawyer was making up a pretty enormous web of lies, or Buffy missed alot of action in Los Angeles. "Hey, I really don't see where this conversation is going... so unless you have information on where I can, y'know... pick up Angel and mosey on my way, I don't see ho-" but her voice stopped abruptly as they dragged a very dazed vampire in to her presence.

No matter how hard she tried, she found herself unable to hold back the concerned outburst that escaped her lips, "ANGEL!"


	6. Irrational Resistance

**Notes: **This chapter is short, I know. I promise the next one will be longer. Hope y'all still enjoy. I really appreciate the feedback, thanks a batrillion if I haven't already thanked you personally :)  
I think this chapter's "mostly filler." Key word there... mostly.

**Also**, Alice rocks my world ! Danielle... it's all your fault if this chapter sucks.

**Irrational Resistance**

"ANGEL!"

Angel watched Buffy's eyes widen while he was brought into her sight. What she didn't know was that the last thing Wolfram & Hart wanted was Angel dead. They needed him... as a tool, a pawn... a puppet- you name it, but they didn't want him dead... anymore. Had the vampire had enough time, he probably would have been able to explain that minor detail to her. Then again, he really didn't think it was going to end up being an issue at all. Still, Angel was regretting not being able to sputter that small fact any sooner because it would have saved a bit of the headache that followed. All he could do now was hopelessly gaze up at her while he tried to figure out exactly what his next move would be. See Angel, he was actually not as dazed as he appeared to be, but the longer he could play it out for the better chance he had for a window of opportunity. Once that window was open, he'd definitely seize it. Regaining consciousness and all of his vision had not been an easy feat, however. Really, Angel just wished he could go just collapse back into unconsciousness and bask in the few favorable memories he was able to unearth.

He couldn't give up- or give in. He had promised that much to Doyle before they parted. So what if Doyle was still a creation of his own mind... at least Angel was going to uphold his promise. Sure, having an entire branch of lawyers working around the clock to drive him insane (and somehow oddly motivated by their next paycheck) was exhausting. It wasn't exactly a question as to whether they were succeeding or not, it was really more of a question as to how well their success was showing through.

Buffy bolted across the room, disregarding the fact that Angel was being held back by two strange-looking and clearly unfriendly demonic guards. Each one had a vicegrip hold on one of Angel's arms with their gnarled and disgusting-looking claws. She deduced that the only reason the vampire was currently on his feet at the time was due to the fact that they were holding him up. He couldn't possibly stand on his own by the looks of his condition, and the position he was in happened to be closer to that of a defeated slouch. Defeated. That was not usually a word Buffy liked to use when referring to Angel. It was a curious way of describing him because it was just so unlike the ensouled vampire. The demons restraining him looked very similar to overgrown salamanders. Red overgrown salamanders with yellow stripes, orange eyes, and... in black cloaks. Must they always have dark evil cloaks? There was something about the billowing robes that just was too cliché.

Times like this made Lilah wonder why she hadn't tied the wretched blonde up. It truly did not matter though, Buffy was not going to get very far. Had the slayer a brain on her shoulders and not such a rash personality, she probably would have been able to recognize the potential danger. Then again, perhaps Angel was able to draw out that side of her. She surely couldn't have survived this long if she jumped into every situation in the very same way. The next few seconds proved to be rather amusing for the Wolfram and Hart lawyer. As soon as Buffy lunged closer to Angel, one of the guards raised it's hand and set off an invisible blast of energy which led her to bounce backward straight onto her bottom. "Ow..." she grumbled, raising a hand to her head to try and aide the rush of pain by rubbing her forehead gingerly. "I gotta say, that was pretty rude," she rolled her eyes, shuffling to get up and determined to get her way. She'd expected some sort of resistance, but definitely nothing along the lines of magical barriers that knocked people back into last week.

"You didn't really think I was just going to let you run up to him, did you? Wow, for being a slayer, you're really stupid," Lilah childishly retorted, throwing Buffy's own words right back into her face. "At least that other slayer was down to Earth... a bit skeptic on our motives, but she was able to realize that we weren't complete idiots." With that, she casually leaned against one of the nicely painted white walls of the office room.

Buffy still had no idea where exactly Lilah had taken them to, but it wasn't in Los Angeles... or Sunnydale. Seriously, this place was about as welcoming as a psyche-ward. It was then that she began wondering to herself how nice an asylum actually sounded right now. The fact that she almost found four padded walls and dimly lit windowless cells semi-comforting made her shudder a little. Okay, so that wasn't the best of topics to be thinking about.

Whipping her head around to face Lilah in disbelief, Buffy narrowed her eyes. Just the acute reference to Faith set her off into a whole new session of fury, and it wasn't helping that the strange overgrown lizards were holding Angel captive. As the anger bubbled up inside of her, she did her best to try and control herself, but couldn't find rhyme nor reason why she should. Buffy's eyes flashed with with an unreadable expression that could only account as a mixture of emotions while she allowed a rather comfortable silence to overtake the entire room. Her voice was low and cracked when she finally managed to snap her highly intelligent response back at Lilah, "Shut up!"

"Oh, you're going to make me?" Lilah taunted, crossing her arms in waiting. The smug smile she had been keeping on her face only inched a bit wider while she challenged Buffy's words fearlessly. "Go ahead and try."

Marching up to the lawyer fearlessly, Buffy drew back a fist with the grinding potential to fire it straight into the lawyer's face when her arm- through no power of her own- lowered itself back to her side. Her eyes widened in disbelief of the tingling sensation that rang throughout her body and for a moment, she faltered. It was almost as if she had died again, lost control of her own body- the ability to move her limbs taken for granted. It took her a few seconds to break out of this trance. It was not unlike many of the others she'd had since being resurrected... always the same... The fear, the isolation... the concept of knowing that, although your heart was pumping circulation throughout your revitalized body, your corpse would remain numb and motionless. That is, of course, until you could muster up enough strength and motivation to actually get up and start moving again. She did not like being afraid, fear was a weakness that she usually chose not to express. Buffy would never admit this to anyone- the fear of what she had been through... what she had yet to face. If she let that take over her now, if only for a moment, surely this crazy madwoman would get the best of her, and then it would be over.

Looking down at her hand in disbelief and shock, her painstricken eyes were unable to meet Lilah's. She had to hand it to the lawyer, at least she wasn't as stupid as Buffy had thought- although that still was not saying much. Those lizard things, how dare they interfere like this! Any more setbacks, and Angel would probably be dead before dawn. "What," Buffy closed her eyes, taking a few moments to gather her thoughts and focus on the careful wording of her question, "do you want with me?"

"You know, I was asking myself the same question earlier. Why would a law firm such as Wolfram and Hart have any interest in supernatural abilities of a slayer?" Lilah pushed herself off from the wall she'd been leaning against.

"Let's just say... I want you to bleed a little," Lilah retorted, while giving Buffy a slight shrug. "Is that too much to ask?"

"Wait- wha?" The clueless expression on Buffy's face only led her into a whole new realm of thoughts. Thoughts that had, in fact, led her to the conclusion that her death was sure not to be in vain. Ideas sparked that gave her reason to believe that her altruistic act would actually work.

_"Why blood? Why Dawn's blood? I mean, why couldn't it be like a, a lymph ritual?"_

_"Cause it's always got to be blood."_

_"We're not actually discussing dinner right now."_

_"Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead. Course it's her blood."_

Was she being literal here? Was her blood that intriguing? Shaking the thoughts that had plagued her memory- the bantering between Xander and Spike that took place prior to her heroic sacrifice- she closed her eyes. Right, heroic... hardly. Buffy tried doing something honorable... memorable and completely selfless in order to better the world... but wait, was it really that selfless? She had actually wanted to leave the world... then, at least, she wouldn't have to live in it. Her expression softened a little while she tried to make sense of what the lawyer was saying to her. Then again, understanding a Wolfram and Hart employee should probably be some sort of offered college degree, "B-bleed?"

"Oh don't worry, Buffy, we'll give you a good fight. I mean, it's only a matter of time before Angel wakes up. I really don't want to be around when he does," Lilah looked over at the unmoving vampire with intrigue. Her hand reached into her pocked while she fingered with a small box inside. As long as she still had that, things could still go as planned. If she screwed this up, the Senior Partners would be pretty angry, that was for sure.

Then, breaking Lilah's thoughts of eternal glory, Buffy cleared her throat. Crossing her own arms now, Buffy chose to disregard the comment about Angel. The lawyer was right, she definitely wouldn't want to be around when he was back in commission. The renewed strength hidden behind thoughts like this led Buffy to be able to muster up a rather convincing threatening tone and make a rather curt and cold demand, "Let him go."

"Or you'll what? Slice my head off?" Lilah rolled her eyes. The blonde had no visable weapons on her, not to mention thar she was in the presence of demons employed by the law firm soley to honor Lilah's own protection. She was far from petrified of what Buffy could possibly do to her. Either way, if the going got tough, all she would have to do was escape. Nobody would think any less of her for doing so, just as long as she got the job done.

Just then, an unexpected laughter overcame everyone in the room, making their spines tingle. "No, but I might," Angel snorted, sporting an all-too-cocky half-grin. His head snapped up to glare Lilah in the eyes darkly. The creepy thing was, the glossed-over confused and dazed look had escaped his eyes completely. "The thing I can't decide is... if I rip your internal organs out before... or after the fact. I kinda wanna hear your screaming." His sneer only widened with the narrowing of his eyes as he ran his tongue across his lips with visible delight, "Just writhing and squirming helplessly for your pathetic life."

Just the way he'd annunciated the torturous and promising words made Buffy uncomfortable. After swallowing softly, she allowed actual words to escape her lips, "A-Angel?... What's... happened to you?" She had to admit, she hadn't heard him talk like this for... well, quite some time. She had also intended to keep it that way. Not wanting to believe what they could have done to him, Buffy began to bargain with herself. Something about the phrases made her insides ache, while managing to send shivers down her spine. He didn't just say what she thought he did, did he?


	7. Doxy who?

**Notes: **As always, thanks to all the readers and the feedback is amazingly happy. The good news is, I've been on a roll the sequel's plot... I gotta finish this one first, obviously. Trust me though, the ideas for the next one are far more genius than this one lol. Well, happy reading. Don't hesitate to PM me about anything you are unsure of, don't like, or would like to suggest.

**Betafied by: **Danielle  
I still love Alice and Danielle very much.

**Doxy-Who?**

"What's wrong, Lover? I'm evil. Get over it." Despite the situation, he failed to wipe that grin off of his face- that signature smirk that only enforced the fact that there truly was a demon inside of this man. Angel had spoken so casually, with such apathy, it was all too convincing. _Evil_. Was that not of second nature to virtually everything on this planet? Hearing him call himself that was heartening, however. The vampire refused to meet eyes with Buffy at the moment, which only caused her to shudder involuntarily. His primary focus seemed to be on the ever-so-popular Lilah- the conjurer of all things problematic. "Lilah Morgan."

Freezing only momentarily, the words arousing a tinge of fear inside of her, Buffy backed away a few steps. This couldn't be happening... not again... not just after she'd left everything behind to come and see him. Just to hear his voice- feel the safety of his embrace... just so that she could find some sort of meaning (no matter how remote or farfetched) in this hell of a planet. Giles was going to be furious, if not distraught. Not to mention, everyone back home would blame her. Poor Buffy came back from the dead and was only able to find peace and consolation by getting groiny with her dead ex-boyfriend. That's what they would think, despite anything she would try to tell them. It would not go over well. Why couldn't anything ever end _right_? Did it always have to turn out like some horror story?

The bargaining followed. Angel had been able to surprise her before, not to mention they were both pretty good at acting- lying. Perhaps he knew something that Buffy didn't and the only way to get it out of the lawyer was the approach he was taking now. Or maybe- well, she didn't want to think of any other maybes. Still, Buffy couldn't help but to stand there in a petrified and extremely confused state while she battled the scenarios in her mind. Whichever way it had happened, he probably wanted her to at least... act... worried or concerned. Not that she wasn't, it was just... she still had no idea who this lawyer person was and what she'd wanted with them.

"I wasn't expecting you to wake up so soon," Lilah smirked back at the vampire, almost proudly. Well then, this was a real treat. Everything would go according to plan. That is, of course, if she could manage to pull everything off just right. In the end, Buffy wouldn't be a threat to Wolfram & Hart's plans or apocalypse, and Angel would be left in a state that would truly make him unable to cope with himself.

"What could I say? I just knew you'd be dying to see me..." His attention seemed to be diverted momentarily as his eyes scanned about the room searchingly. His tone was a sarcastic-witted attempt at disappointment while he took a quick glance from Buffy back over to Lilah, "Why the long faces? No... welcoming party? Not even a helpless snack for me to enjoy? You've got to be joking, I'd like to think Wolfram & Hart would, ah... what would that phrase be now?" He ran his tongue across his lips thoughtfully, "...Welcome me in with open claws."

"You'll have your fun soon enough," Lilah sputtered with uncertainty. Truth was, she wasn't sure what the demon Angelus had been capable of. All she knew of him was what she'd read in volumes provided by Wolfram & Hart's archives. Granted, those were some pretty thorough and complete volumes, she still doubted his abilities when confronting the demon in person. Whatever being he had become that day when he'd locked two of the most deadly vampires in a wine cellar with her and her colleagues- it did not even compare with the stories she had heard of this demon. She didn't know that, if Angelus wanted to have some fun... there wasn't much capable of holding him back.

Either way, she had a job to do, and once that job was completed, it didn't matter what she did with Angel or Buffy... and her plans were to leave the two of them to sort out their differences which, if her memory served her correctly, somehow delivered Angel a round-trip to Hell last time. It was about time that Angel returned the favor to the blonde.

"Wow, you're really pushing me here. I'm about two steps away from causing a massacre similar to Darla and Drusilla's little slaughter session." Angel smirked at Lilah proudly, confidently. "Oh but the devastation they left behind would be nothing compared to what I'd do to you and overgrown-lizard boys here." The cogs in his head were almost visibly turning while he began cooking up some sick and twisted scenario, no doubt the reason his lips curled into a thoughtful sneer. He then shifted in the arms of the demons slightly, grin unfading, "Some unfortunate lackey will be wiping your blood off these walls for weeks."

Buffy couldn't help but notice that he'd conveniently left Buffy out of that little kill-fest imagery. Of course, it was either because he wasn't evil... or maybe because she would be placed in a whole different category of pain and torture reserved for her by Angelus' sickening schemes.

"Shut up! You... you can't even escape!" Lilah barked back, wanting to believe herself now more than anything. With that, her hand continued to fumble in her pocket while she nervously unleashed the small parasite from inside it's tiny prison. If she didn't pull this off now, she may never get the chance to do so and make it out alive. While the creature made it's grand escape, however, Lilah thought it best to play off a distraction to keep Angel or Buffy from noticing anything. From that same pocket, she withdrew a wooden cross, raising it up towards Angel, who only began to laugh harder at her vein attempt to restrain him.

"You know that won't save you," Angel snorted, stopping his laughter to continue his staredown with the lawyer. "I can just smell your fear."

The creature, no larger than a nickel, scuttled down the back of Lilah's leg and made it's way over to Buffy's without so much as a pause. With the help of Lilah's distraction and sudden attempts to anger Angel, it crept away unnoticed. It's tiny red eyes blinked knowingly as soon as it located the Slayer. It had been programed to do precisely one thing, and one thing alone. Just as certain bugs- tarantulas, in fact, had been specifically trained to open high-priority and top-secret messages in Wolfram & Hart, this too was a bug with a sole mission. Creeping carefully onto Buffy's calf, it settled itself without so much as a second glance. She still didn't realize it was there, and that was a plus. It would make the job that much easier.

"Angel?" Buffy prodded carefully. As terrified as she may have been, she threw those emotions aside in an attempt to remain strong. She wasn't going to let 'Angelus' get the better of her, "Y-You've got to listen to me... we can get out of this," her tone lowered, while she attempted to keep it from wavering more than it already had, "I swear to you. But-"

Angel chose to (cut off and) address Buffy's statement first, he'd get back to Lilah's challenge shortly. He rolled his eyes unceremoniously while mocking her words, "Blah blah blah... Yeah yeah, deep down inside there's just _gotta _be some good in me... somewhere. I've heard the speech already- more than once. Makes me wanna vomit. Going to try a new spiel with me this time? I'm always up for a little switcharoo." He seemed to be in thought, and then his sudden outburst almost made Buffy jump, "Aha! I've got it! You could try killing me again. Now _that_ was some damn good entertainment."

Kill him? Was that what it was going to come to... again? Buffy truly didn't think that she could kill Angel again. It was just too much to take in, especially after being brought back from the dead. Life wasn't fair! Her order that followed was firm and confident, despite the fear she was doing her best to keep concealed. "Stop!" She swallowed, shaking her head desperately, "Angel... stop this..."

The parasite then extended it's suction mechanism and did exactly what it had been programmed to do. It had been wired to drain a bit of the majestic blood of the slayer in very much the same manner as a common mosquito. Nothing would be thought of it, and it could run back unnoticed. It was going to do it's job properly. As soon as it collected the prize it came for, the creature felt the human reflexes kicking in. Jumping off of her calf and moseying on down her shoe quickly- effortlessly, as Buffy smacked her calf in annoyance, she rolled her eyes. Mosquitos? Inside...? Those stupid creatures were something the slayer couldn't exactly fight- though at times she wished she could.

"No, I don't think I will," he retorted matter-of-factly. Then turning to cock his head questioningly at Lilah, his lips quirked while he tested her theory, "I didn't catch your last statement." Angel looked to each side of him, heaving a sarcastically disturbed sigh. He smirked mockingly, twisting out of the demons' grips craftily and then jumping behind one of the giant salamanders at an unbelievable speed. Angel then took a moment to grip the creature's head firmly in his hands, pausing briefly solely for effect, and then snapped it's neck ruthlessly without further hesitation. The action was swift, unstoppable, and clean-cut. Had it not been a gruesome ending for the demonic guard, it may have perhaps been considered artful, even. "You were saying?"

Buffy was busy staring in awe at how simple Angel had made that kill seem. He'd done it so effortlessly, it was as if it meant absolutely nothing to him...

Lilah pretended to drop her cross so she could bend down quickly and scoop the bug-creature up from the ground. She retrieved her cross nervously as well without removing her eyes from the scene that played out before her. If she didn't get out of here, and fast, the vampire would be after her in no time. Besides, she had what she needed. Lilah shot a glance to the remaining salamander-demon and smirked, "They're all yours. I walk, they don't." Her order was clear as she began to bolt from the room, only to be stopped by none other than Buffy.

"The party's just gotten started. Why don't you stick around? I hear they have live entertainment after the previews," she advanced upon Lilah, making the lawyer cower into a corner. Buffy was still confused as to whether she should be more concerned about the freedom of potential Angelus, or the escape of the lawyer, but she knew if Lilah got away- she may never get an explanation.

"Heard about that," she rebounded with a smirk. Surely Buffy wasn't thinking about stopping her again? "I've got front row seats." The knowing and mocking grin that followed was rather unsettling to Buffy's stomach.

Before she even had a second to ask what that comment was supposed to mean, she was sent flying across the room by a powerful energy blast that could have only been emitted from the magical salamandery creature. Landing on her stomach, facedown, she groaned angrily. Stupid shamens and their magical abilities. As she had been thrown across the room, however, she couldn't help but shift nervously at the roar that erupted soon after her landing. It could only belong to one being in the room, and that happened to be the only vampire present.

Angel, now in all-out vamp mode, threw himself onto the other demon, locking it in an unforgiving headlock and smashing it into the neighboring wall. The creature then proceeded to run up the wall and flip itself over Angel's head, wrenching from his grip and landing a worthy punch across his unsuspecting jaw.The vampire had to step back a few paces in order to regain his bearings, but when he looked over at the spot where Lilah had previously been, he wasn't surprised that she had bolted. "Dammit," he scowled, snapping his head back towards the salamander and landing a roundhouse to it's stomach.

Buffy, still regaining her own bearings and hopping to her feet, ran over to the demon angrily. As soon as Angel had nailed it in the stomach, she send her knee flying into it's back unforgivingly. When the demon screeched in pain, it began to form sparks in it's gnarled claws. "Uh-uh," Buffy narrowed her eyes determinedly. There was no way this lizard was going to survive long enough to electrocute her. She proceeded to elbow it in the spine, sending it towards Angel who, in turn, took the creature's head in his hands.

"I never get sick of this," he commented darkly, snapping the second demon's neck without repressing his delight in the slaughter. After the body dropped to the ground, Angel stared down at it for a few moments before his eyes slowly moved up to meet Buffy's.

Something inside them made her shiver, and she wasn't sure what it was. Her heart seemed to have hopped up into her throat, since she found herself floundering for any sort of conversation starter. Deep within the depths of his dark orbs, she could still sense his soul, but his behavior had her nearly petrified. She had no idea what to do now. He'd enjoyed killing... although, sure they were typical bad guys so she wasn't even all that certain as to why it was getting to her, but it was. Buffy hadn't needed to fish for something to say, however, because Angel made the next move. He broke their gaze and walked right past her, almost as if he were trying to pretend she weren't even there.

"Angel..." Buffy started, watching him move across the room.

His eyes moved back onto hers, and the glint within them suggested that he seemed to be ashamed of something or afraid she was about to accuse him. His gaze had silenced her immediately, and she froze when she watched his eyes land on the bare flesh of her exposed neck. Buffy then reflexively raised her hand up to her neck, watching him curiously. He had still said nothing to her.

Angel offered a low growl now and, only after mustering up all of the strength he possessed, he diverted his eyes from her ever-so-tender neck. He leaned his back up against the wall, sliding down to sit against it and rub his temples hopelessly. "You should go."

"And you should know me better than that," Buffy snapped back, walking closer to his slumped figure against the wall. "You gonna go all bean-spilly on what went on back there? I mean, you were all bipolar and sinister Angel and I-"

"Doximall." He cut her off abruptly. The solution was simple, and he buried his head in his hands, knowing she wasn't going to understand right away.

"Doxy-who?" Buffy cocked her head, now wondering why Angel had been acting so strangely.

"Doximall. It's a synthetic tranquilizer that induces bliss." Angel very clearly remembered the time that an actress had used the drug against him in hopes that she could con him into biting her to give her eternal life. Angel'd went temporarily psychotic on them, causing pain to his friends and the woman, only to get himself locked to his own bed until the drug's effects wore off. Wesley always had all the facts. It had been him, in fact, that had explained everything to Angel the morning after- in case he should ever run into the problem again. "Clouds the mind...with... illusions of true happiness..."

"So it's like... some kinda vamp-Prozac? Wow... Angel if you need some sort of support group to get help or something, I mean- we-" and yet Buffy still couldn't figure out why she was trying to lighten the mood at a time like this. Her face suddenly turned serious, "How long do the effects last?"

"This uh... isn't the first time it's been used on me." Angel exhaled and shook his head slightly before continuing on. "After... well, the second time the drug was used, it kinda lost it's full-blown effects. It's not as overwhelming to me as my last dose... that one lasted all night, actually. Almost caused some real damage. Either way, Wolfram & Hart didn't know this had been attempted before. That's why they tried it tonight."

"So... they wanted you to be all... evil without... being _evil_ evil so that you could... do what, exactly?"

"Kill you." Angel's response was dry, empty, yet controlled. Anyone could tell he was working hard to control himself where he sat, however.

Her mouth formed into one big understanding 'Oh' while she offered a slight nod, "Oookay, I think I get that... I-I get that alot by all kinds of slimey demons and vamps, hey- even the occasional fellow slayer... but why them?" After a very brief pause, she added with a pout, "And heeey- how come they put the chips in your corner? I've killed you once, what makes them think I can't do it again?"

"I don't know," Angel replied honestly, shaking his head. He did have a slight hunch as to why an evil law firm would want the slayer dead, but he had no idea how they were so certain Angel would come out of this alive. He then leaned his head against the wall, still avoiding her eyes, "But I'd never... they don't understand that."

"Understand what?" Buffy knelt down next to him now, placing a hand on his knee in comfort.

"That I can't-won't kill you," Angel raised his eyes to meet hers now, "Even as Angelus."

There was a long silence while his gaze remained locked with hers, the serious truth lying itself before her. At that moment, she felt safe, despite how unstable he had been earlier and still possibly could be, she knew it no longer mattered. Her place was right here, right now, with him.

"Buffy, I'm still having trouble separating the demon's thoughts and... suggestion... from- I really think it would be best if you leave."

"I can handle myself, Angel. Big girl, died twice, remember?" She faked a smile while she continued, "I can help you... we'll get through this... together." She sighed and sat across from him now. "Besides, you still owe me an explanation."


	8. Unspoken Temptations

**Notes:** I have been rendered speechless. Temporarily. Don't think this will stop me from putting 'notes' up here in the future.

**Betafied: **by Danielle.  
I loveth Danielle and Alice -caw!-

**Unspoken Temptations**

Angel was still having trouble keeping his thoughts and actions collected. The drug was perhaps an equivalent (or possibly an alternative) to getting drunk. Everything seemed to blur together and, unfortunately for him, that included the suggestions wrought about by his less soulful side. He had insisted that Buffy leave twice, and she made it quite clear that she was planted firmly on the spot. She would not be going anywhere in the near future. The way she had suggested that they would get through it together, however, that was a word Angel decided he better not start getting used to- as much as he wanted to.

Everything had to be so damned complicated, it was no wonder that Wolfram & Hart had succeeded in running the vampire in circles out of madness. There was only so much one could take before they tipped off the edge. Now, perhaps, Wolfram & Hart had discovered the significance of the blonde slayer. Were they going to use that knowledge against him now as well? If that became the case, he was sure he wouldn't be able to bear it. Not anymore, not now. He had been to the edge, walked that fine line between humanity and losing himself completely, just last year actually. To think that firing and turning his back on all of his friends was the least of his worries at one point, now he spent more time just attempting to mend those precious ties he had severed. The ones with his family- his friends. They would never be the same again, some things you just can't fix- some voids you simply cannot fill. An unfortunate thing to be thinking about at a time like this, indeed. Angel sadly had a serious lack of a social life. One would think that with over two-hundred years of experience under one's belt, they would somehow formulate a few strong and lasting friendships... yet somehow he had failed to manage even that much. 

_Failure_.

The word seems all the more stronger when it stands out all alone, isolated, in the back of the mind. Just as he chose to keep himself... receding into the shadows, the darkness... in complete isolation from the rest of the world. He had something in common with the derogatory title of failure. He was one in the same. Not because he was afraid or ashamed, but because he didn't fit in... he never would. It was quite the opposite, actually. It was in not fitting in that his life was parallel to that simple word. A vampire wasn't meant to have a soul, and for him, it was impossible to walk in both worlds. He had found that out soon enough. Therefore, Angel had chosen to live in his own and fight in the other.

Angel sighed heavily after a few long moments of contemplation. He was unable to explain his actions in the past few years since he had left her in Sunnydale. No mystical ether that could give him the strength he needed to spill all of his true feelings, and no possible way that he could explain to her the instances that had just played themselves out in his head. He was then compelled to remember exactly what it was that he had given up. All of this, everything- it could be summed up within one simple word. Failure. He would keep reminding himself of that, (even in the future when he will stand helpless as his son is stolen away from him). A helpless failure... with no power to change anything. He had failed her by attempting to open a portal that would suck the entire world into the unforgiving jaws of an untold Hell. He had failed to rescue her from not only her first death, but to be there to prevent the second. When she had stood there, waiting for him to show up those long lonely nights of summer, he had instead been hitting the bars in Los Angeles- drinking all he could handle just to try to forget the feel of her touch, the taste of her blood. None of it worked, for he had even failed himself.

When in Los Angeles, managing to find friendship in the most unlikely places through a half-demon by the name of Doyle, Angel realized that he had also failed that man as well. Perhaps the mocking hallucination was right after all, maybe he did still feel guilt for the Irishman's death. All of these thoughts led him back to square one. He had not only given up humanity once, the time he remembered that she didn't- but twice. He had twice denied the one thing that would make Buffy just about the happiest being on earth... or so he thought. The second time... or perhaps more confusingly it may have been the first, Angel still wasn't quite clear on the details, he had given everything up. He had surrendered it all and it was as if none of it existed- the lives they had created were... meaningless. Once more, the word he found himself relating to was a not-so-friendly 'F' word. "I failed you... and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't say that!" Buffy countered without hesitation. If there was one thing she knew, Angel definitely was far from a failure. "That's not true," she whispered towards the end at an attempt to counter his preposterous assumptions.

She had no idea what he'd been through, what he had done, the choices he'd made... without her... she was in absolutely no position to make that sort of accusation. "No, Buffy... you have no idea what I've done." It wasn't even so much as what he had done... it was also a question of how much he hadn't yet done, or had undid. All of it, full force, seemed to be striking his muddled up mind. Along with suggestions to take another sample of the blood coursing through her veins, but he knew better than that. The pain-stricken images of Darla came to him as well now, taunting his misery and he knew he could not take very much more of it without managing to go completely insane.

"Do I look like I care? God, none of us are perfect but you are _not_ a failure!"

"_YOU_ don't kill people. None of your best friends are _dead _because you can't- " but then he stopped, unable to continue the sentence. Some form of regret and anger at himself seemed to flash within his eyes. "Don't. Just... don't." Then he tacked on all too quickly, "We're not talking about this."

"Then when are we?" Buffy's voice softened now, studying his features carefully, "When are we going to stop lying... stop pretending... that everything's okay? When are we going to start being honest with each other, huh Angel? When? Haven't I waited long enough?"

Angel turned his head to the side, visibly unable to answer that question. "Lying is all that we really have left," he replied dryly. "It's in everyone... deception, pain, evil... it's why Earth is the 'Home Office.' Evil breeds off greed and sin and- I don't know what to think anymore, what to believe. You think I enjoy this?" Snapping his face to glare Buffy in the eyes, he continued, "That I can keep waking up every day telling myself that everything is alright? You think it's easy?"

"I never said it was easy!" Buffy retorted with a tinge of impatience in her voice. "It's not supposed to be." Honestly, Buffy wasn't all that completely certain what all he was talking about, but obviously it had to do with something he'd dealt with in Los Angeles, without her. Either way, it seemed that he needed convincing, and perhaps a little jog of his memory so he remembered what it was exactly that they fought for- especially now.

"Everything I do... every fight I join- it's nothing, means nothing. There's times when I think... it's all for... nothing."

She swallowed, looking at her feet, "We never win but... we fight because..."

"There's things worth fighting for," Angel finished for her, looking back up into her eyes. They had this conversation over two years ago and he still remembered it as if it were yesterday. Virtually everything having to do with Buffy seemed closer to him than it really was. "And you taught me that."

"Maybe that's it- maybe I just should have stayed dead... Then maybe-"

But her rationalizing was cut off by an irritated roar. Angel had vamped out and jumped up only to pin her against the wall with a menacing snarl, his eyes flaring a dangerous hint of gold, "Don't you say that. _EVER_." He annunciated every word through jagged gritted teeth. The pain and hurt in his eyes was visible to her, even shining through his demon's features. He closed his eyes, trying to control his temper now, finally relaxing enough to shift back into his human facade, taking a few unneeded breaths in the process. He still had her shoulders locked in an iron-grip, but he moved his eyes to the ground, slightly ashamed of his violent reaction. It'd caused her to wince slightly and still now he could feel her heart racing uncontrollably. "I'm sorry..." he swallowed, rolling his shoulders allowing him to relax slightly. "It's just..."

Buffy was surprisingly shook up from his sudden spur of rage, but she quickly regained her composure. She knew it probably did no good, however, since he probably already sensed her heart racing about a gazillion beats per minute. Allowing herself to take one deep breath, she closed her eyes as well, "Angel... it's okay... I-I get it. Thank you..." She understood his concern for her, the fact he didn't want her dead. Truthfully, she was glad he still felt that way and almost grateful that he'd gotten so wound up over such a simple suggestion. "I came," her voice became shaky while she continued, "because I thought you cared."

"And I-"

But he was cut off by Buffy's shake of her head, "You don't have to explain yourself." She shifted, almost uncomfortably in his grip.

"I wanted... to be dead..." Angel focused on her seriously, still pinning her to the wall. "I just wanted to forget- to lie to myself... and I almost managed to convince myself it didn't matter... but it hurt. More than I can explain."

"I know," she replied softly, voice still wavering. Her eyes cast to the ground now, "I know because I felt it too."

Angel's eyes moved back to take another glance at her neck, admiring the faded (but permanent) scar he'd placed there a little over two years ago. Had it been that long? It felt like forever and yesterday all at once and saying he was thrown would be an understatement. He kept his grip on her shoulders, only relaxing it a bit now while he bit his lip. He'd left her more than that scar. If he recalled correctly, there was quite the nasty mark on her arm from a particular swordfight that had ended in a temporary vacation to Hell. It was pathetic when he thought about it. He'd vowed never to hurt her and he did... more times than he could think of... and yet she had never managed to leave any lasting scars on him. He was a hypocrite then, nothing more than a mere hypocrite. And right now, he decided to blame his sudden burst of rage on his chemical imbalances. She would forgive him, she already did... and she would continue to forgive him- forever, even though he was unworthy. That was another thing that sliced deeper than a stake to the heart. How much pain did he have to cause her before she would finally let go... and in the end would she truly... ever let go? "Buffy, I-"

His next sentence was cut short, however, as the firing of two bullets cracked through the air. One nailed Angel in the upper shoulder and the other next to his spine. He gasped and yelped in pain, turning his head slowly to face the one responsible for firing the shots. Still slightly dizzy and the addition of the bullets, Angel didn't quite have his head on straight.

"Angel. I should have known we'd meet again like this, I knew you couldn't be trusted- that you'd turn eventually. Your kind... so predictable!" The woman yelled, holding the gun in front of her in precaution. "I know these won't kill you... but they're all I've got."

_You made me trust you. You made me believe._

"Let her go and I won't use force," she demanded now with a sense of authority.

Who the hell was this bitch? Buffy narrowed her eyes, looking at her with a burning hatred. She not only seemed to know Angel, but she fired at him, knowing well that he was a vampire. "Angel... who the hell is this woman?"

----------

Lilah beamed a new sense of pride after she had returned from her brief meeting with the liaison to the Senior Partners. Apparently, not only were they pleased with her success, they were willing to give her a rather hefty raise for her troubles. The thing was, it hadn't even cost her a drop of blood, thanks to those Lardok demons. Funny thing was, however... it seemed to cost Buffy a drop or two. The Partners were also baffled at the idea of the vampire with a soul killing off the slayer, but they figured the quicker she was out of the picture the better. "Sometimes," she sat atop her desk, staring out into the dark Los Angeles sky with a smirk. "I impress even myself." She had been speaking to nobody, although given Wolfram & Hart- there always had to be somebody listening.

"That's pathetic."

"Gavin," she whirled around, facing the man with a glare of utter disgust. "I didn't let you in."

Ignoring the lawyer's comment, he walked past her now, looking at the stack of papers on her desk. "I gotta congratulate you on a job well done. I'll still have you know, however, that we are making far more progress than you are."

"I doubt that," Lilah mumbled, nonchalantly. What did this guy know? Besides, she had given Angel the papers he needed to keep the Hyperion, so Gavin's little pointless plot was, well, fruitless.

"Keep thinking that," He smirked, beginning towards the door.

"I will." Rolling her eyes, she sifted through a few sheets of paperwork. Now then, where was she? Oh yes, basking in her glory and praise from the Senior Partners. Angel was a tough egg to crack, and she would have hated to be in the room longer than she'd had to... she was glad she didn't see the drug's effects in action. Either way, Lilah was feeling quite content at the moment, and there was nothing that could possibly ruin her thunder.

Except maybe Angel... but luckily, that would not be the case for her this evening.

--------

_Yay for another chapter. There shall be more 'relevant' talkage in the next Chap, after we get rid of the rude lady who decided to shoot poor Angel. Oh yes, questions, comments, and concerns are almost always welcome. :)_


	9. Maybe When It Matters

**Notes: **Yeah, nothing to say here today really either except that my betas are crazy... and I want to kill both of them thank you have a nice day. I'm trying to cook up plausible ways to torture Riley Finn. Don't ask... as a matter of fact, whatever I just said- didn't say it. What I'm saying right now... yeah, never happened. (Ah, if you want a disclaimer... go to the prologue psh.)

**Special Thanks to: **Danielle y Alice- A vosotros doy mi corazón.

**Maybe When It Matters**

Angel narrowed his eyes angrily at the woman. How dare she just waltz in here like that? After all, she did owe the vampire her life... more than once, even, but who was counting? Deciding first to abide by her pathetic rules as not to provoke more bullets in his body, he released his vicegrip on Buffy and whirled completely around to face the woman before him. "Kate. Good to see you haven't changed." The bitter tone of sarcasm and anger only rose with each word.

"Kate..." Buffy replied softly, the anger in Angel's tone was practically visible. Whatever had happened between these two, she didn't want to know the details. Okay, so that was a lie- she was completely all ears as far as details would be concerned, but this was interesting. Something about Kate seemed quite familiar, and it took quite a bit of jogging her memory to pull out the confrontation. She _had_ talked to this woman before- a police officer, if memory recalled correctly. She and Wesley had just entered the station as this Kate person had arrested Angel for sheltering Faith. She could not believe she missed it in the beginning- that same stuffy arrogant way she carried herself... with a false air of 'importance.' This officer thought she was such a big cheese...

_I think you're gonna like the cell we have for you, Angel. It faces east. It'll give you a great view of the sunrise in about four hours._

Buffy opened her mouth silently, and then her jaw shut in unspoken rage. After a few moments she cleared her throat and spoke up. "Oh, I remember you," she narrowed her eyes as she accused the former police officer. "You're that one maniac a-and washed-up police officer that wanted to murder Angel by locking him in an eastward facing cell. Don't you dare think I've forgotten that," her tone did all but soften up as her threat became evident. "If you know what's good for you, you'll leave now."

"Oh, you know him?" Kate shot to Buffy, obviously not amused and not removing her own glare from the vampire's eyes. "Then you know he can't be trusted."

"You have got to be joking," Buffy rolled her eyes, pushing past Angel and walking between the two. "What gives you the right to come in here and start shooting potentially innocent people?"

"He isn't a person."

"Really?" Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Oh, don't _make_ me give you the lecture about how Angel is much better of a-a... _thing_ OR _person _that you will ever become."

"If I shoot you, will you get right back up too?" Kate's icy glare locked onto Buffy carefully, after her eyes finally tore themselves from Angel's unwelcoming glare. "I came because I was called to a potentially hostile situation and you two are the only ones remaining in this building... give me one good reason why I should believe a word out of your mouths."

Angel's gaze swept over to the overgrown lizards in the corner as an inquisitive eyebrow raised, "How about giant red salamander? Times two."

Kate's eyes followed over to where Angel was indicating, her gun lowering slightly as she caught the sight. Swallowing in apparent misunderstanding, she looked back up at Angel. "There was a hostage... shady figures, two women and- a hostage," she stated firmly. She was not going to give up or admit the fact that she perhaps had interpreted everything wrong.

Buffy pointed at Angel behind her with one finger, stating one simple word, slowly and clearly as if Kate were brain damaged, "Hostage." Buffy then rolled her eyes, pointing to herself now, "Buffy." Then she pointed over toward Kate with a smirk, "Jumps-to-conclusions." Perhaps it was just now that it dawned upon Buffy as to why, when she had first seen Kate and demanded an explanation from Angel, he had told her that she was 'Nobody.' She wasn't even worth recognition!

The officer only scoffed at the childish behavior displayed by the slayer. She had barely even met this woman and already she hated her. Her thoughts of how Angel could have happened to know her were quickly broken by a rather up-front question proposed to her.

"So what _are_ you doing with your life?" Angel inquired with false interest. "I know they didn't take you back."

Kate closed her eyes. She figured he'd see right through that aspect, he always did have a way of knowing what went on. She still blamed _him_ for her failures, for her futile pursuit of the supernatural that had endangered and eventually cost her a valuable position on the Los Angeles police force. "S-shut up!" She snapped, her anger only resurfacing when the threat of her finger on the trigger reassessed itself, "It's all your fault, you know... everything! You made me believe!"

"No, that you did all on your own," Angel eyed her carefully. "You were the one trying so hard to rationalize the supernatural. You can't do that, Kate... it doesn't work that way. I think you finally just figured that all out and came to terms with it. It's something you just can't accept... and now... you can't let it be." Flinching slightly while he rolled his shoulders in an attempt to ward away the fresh pain brought about by the bullets, Angel continued to lecture the officer, "You've seen the other side and you just can't bring yourself to go back... live in the luxurious warmth of ignorance. Well, that's too bad. It's about time you come to terms with yourself and reality and stop blaming your misfortunes on me."

Buffy looked over at Angel questioningly. Usually he wasn't this opinionated or lectureful. Sure, Angelus was pretty cocky, egotistical, and more than willing to point out the flaws and stupidity in others but Angel... her Angel... always stood on the sidelines. He didn't need words to express his feelings, needless to say his bitterness towards this woman intrigued her. Then again, it was all rationalized... she was a pretty ignorant-looking loser. Buffy also did not miss his flinching at the throbbing pain the bullets had to have caused him. Kate had absolutely no right to shoot him, vampire or not, without a warning or some sort of evidence that he had been causing any harm. She deserved every hateful word, and had Buffy two cents to add to the disagreement, she would have done so in a heartbeat.

"You should have just let me die," Kate's lips curled into a grin while she emitted a low chuckle. "You could have... it wouldn't have been that hard- then it'd at least be easier..."

"Afraid that's not how it works," Buffy chimed in. She stepped forward now and, with lightning speed, landed a perfect roundhouse across Kate's wrist. She'd aimed it so that the gun flew straight from her hand, firing a stray bullet while it skidded across the ground in apparent defeat. "Ya know..." Buffy lectured, with a cock of her head as she crossed her arms, "I tried being dead... it never really worked so well. A-and even when it does..." She allowed her voice to trail off a bit as if in apparent thought, "...when you think it's alright to relax... pop! You're back in the running for world's most recycled Slayer. Oh, and just when it's getting good- just when you finally think maybe- perhaps you could make this work just a while longer... lovely federal papers with big red numbers (that would be pretty if they weren't so demanding) start showing up at your doorstep commanding your attention."

Kate stared at this woman in disbelief. Perhaps she was rendered insane or something? What was she talking about? Then her foot struck and the pain searing through her arm was nearly too much to bear. Kate wouldn't be surprised if Buffy had just broken her arm. She began to nurse her attacked wrist with her 'well' hand. Now merely defenseless without her precious gun, Kate backed up a few steps. That wasn't even actually her gun. Angel was right about one thing- they did not... would never... take her back. She had not had her head screwed on quite tight enough, however, when she had received another offer. It was quite convincing, really- and foolishly she had accepted it.

"But it doesn't matter," Buffy continued, the same grim tone in her voice that had accompanied her preciously came back to threaten the officer. "It's not going to matter because as long as someone in the great Up-Above happens to want you alive, you're just not gonna be able to rest in peace. They'll do whatever hocusy-pocusy rituals they gotta do to make your life a living hell... and that's a fact coming from experience. It's not like I eve-"

Angel reached out and grabbed Buffy's arm gently, signaling for her to stop now. This little ranting of hers was getting out of hand. "Kate..." Angel looked over at her, trying hard not to laugh at the state that Buffy had left her in. She was desperately cradling her hand while choking back any attempts to cry out in obvious pain. "Who really sent you? Why are you here?"

"They wanted me... they wanted me to tell them everything, to fight with them. They agreed that I had skills- ones no others possess, they recognized that. They made me feel like I belonged- feel important... I thought maybe I'd actually found my purpose in life. I wasn't... I didn't know anything else... I was, have always been, a police officer, Angel. It was my everything, my entire life. When that was taken away from me, I didn't know how to go on with such a pointless existence... a-and then... after you... then they came along with a promise. A promise and a glimpse of hope that maybe I had some sort of-"

"WHO?" Angel cut off irritably. The last thing he needed was another person ranting about their life troubles and problems to him. If she was about to say what he thought she was going to say, then there was far more to this than he could have ever hoped to know.

Kate leveled her eyes with the vampire's and thrust out her jaw with false pride, "Wolfram and Hart."

The growl that erupted from Angel's throat caused both Kate and Buffy to jump slightly. The Slayer quickly reached over and placed a hand on the vampire's chest, as if preparing to hold him back if need be. She may hate this Kate woman, but Angel didn't need to add another body to his pile of corpses and guilt. Angel knew he was overreacting, he should not have even been surprised that they would pull something like this, but he was fed up with the law firm's interference and constant hounding in on his life. "And you accepted," Though it was a question, Angel had phrased it as if it were implied.

"I had no other choice. My resume wasn't exactly stellar. I took what I could get," She replied quietly. "I still don't know why I'm even alive. Somehow... they already knew all about it- wanted to help me figure it out too."

Angel didn't even want to know how Wolfram & Hart figured out about him saving her life... that small bit of knowledge irked him as well. They were all over the place! "Oh really? Makes them sound like quite the charity... they're using you, Kate. They will continue to use you until it's too late. By the time you realize the circles they run you in, you'll already have a guaranteed spot in Hell. They don't give a damn about your life," Angel muttered through gritted teeth. "You know they're evil."

"And I also know I need to survive," the woman replied, equally irritated. "What can I say? I've changed."

"Okay... I'm only a little lost here," Buffy looked between the tense gazes of Kate and Angel. "Just a teensy bit. Kate was good. Wolfram and Hart is bad. Angel saved your life- somehow... and that... _confused_ you? S-so... then you join the baddies... anyone else not quite understanding the sense that... isn't... here?"

Angel released a heavy sigh, "Kate drugged herself up after being fired from her job for failure to stick to her own cases. She always had to be on top of the paranormal ones... when I got to her apartment, I was able to get in without invitation and save her life. Either she was already clinically dead, or the Powers intervened... but either way, I am still regretting ever bothering to save her life." Why was everything like this? Why did it always have to come back to hurt him in the end? They were more like the Powers that Screw You, as Fred would so intelligently point out in the not-too-distant future.

Kate remained in her proud stance, watching Angel carefully. "Either way you phrase it, I didn't need your help."

That had taken it too far. He was done dealing with Kate. Angel swept past the woman, walking towards the exit, "I owe you nothing, Kate. Absolutely nothing." Buffy seemed to have caught the drift, as she made for the exit along with him. He paused a moment and fell back slightly, however, but did not even bother to turn around as he repeated and returned the words she had once said to him on one of their very first confrontations- with equal rage and malice, "I can go where ever I want and... ah, - you can go to Hell."

He took a few moments to relish in his chosen comeback before jamming his hands in his pockets and allowing a smirk to light up his features. With that said, he (and that blonde) somehow managed to disappear within seconds, a trait that irritated Kate almost as much as the fact that he was a vampire.

'No... you don't,' she thought to herself in response to his comment. 'But I owe you...' Kate stood there, nodding slightly to herself and running her tongue across her teeth in defeat. She had been rendered speechless by the one person whom she'd least expected. Well kudos to the vampire. Then a thought finally occurred to her. Angel must hate himself now, knowing he saved her life only to discover that she had joined the enemy. Enemy... that was a funny way to explain the law firm. It did not matter, though... what he thought. But she had vowed that she would not rest... not until she did one last thing to repay him...

----

_- I brought Kate in because I'm thinking I wasn't the only one angered by her unthankfulness for having her unworthy life saved. (Plus, where the hell DID she go after she left to join Law and Order?)... Either way, I could not resist a confrontation with her. XD It screamed to be written in my head. I decided not to let my head explode, so I let her have a chapter. Ohh, and it's relevant too. Yay._


	10. Borrrgjaaeldkfg

**Notes: **So today I ate some pizza... it was quite good might I add... and I thought to myself... perhaps I should add a bit of angst today. Following my own suggestion, I have decided to make another chapter- hoorah for Java! Also remember, this is not meant to be inconsistent with BtVS or AtS in any way. Attack me if it is so I can save the story before its too laaaate -echos-

**Thanks: **Yay. Alice & Danielle rock for ever.

**Borrrgjaaeldkfg**

"So... 'splainy?" Buffy was having difficulty keeping up with Angel's pace for some reason, it was obvious that what just happened back there probably meant bad news. The fact that he even refused to look her in the eye cessed out that his anger was at an undeterminable level. Still, regardless of his failure to give a damn about her presence, she felt the need to prod him for more information. Not only were there questions that still needed answering, she wanted to know what was going on in his life. Things were different, that was undeniable, but the least she could do would be to figure out a bit more of what he had been going through in Los Angeles. Maybe then she could begin to understand him a little more.

"Really not in the mood," Angel snapped all-too-quickly, continuing his brisk walk away from the building. Talking wasn't exactly his forte, and he was not about to start. On top of all that, what they had just experienced back there was a result of Wolfram & Hart's craftsmanship. There was nothing to be explained there, at least not that Angel was able to understand.

"Angel!" Buffy reprimanded the vampire as she whipped out her hand and grasped his by locking it about his wrist. Her expression shifted from soft and encouraging to angry and accusing, "You can't just- just walk away from everything!"

"Watch me," Angel muttered, trying to shake his arm from her grasp but to no avail. "You don't know what it's been like, you don't know what I've been through... and it doesn't matter. It shouldn't. The only one who I share it with is _me._" With that said, there was a brief silence between the two ex-lovers, and Angel was the one to break it soon after. This time, his tone of voice took a much less driving and forceful approach. He continued quietly, "And that's not going to change." He let out a sigh and stared up at the blackening night sky. Who was he kidding? He should never have come here, it was better when they were apart. It was easier that way.

"Maybe I want to know," Buffy suggested, letting out an equally agitated sigh. "Maybe I want... to be able to hear how your day was- what you've been through and the things you do out here. We live different lives, Angel, I understand that... but there's no reason we can't just-" She stopped herself, letting out a sigh of her own at her own proposal, "It doesn't make any sense, Angel. I want to listen- I want to know... we should be able to just-"

"Talk," Angel finished again, just as he did before. "We _can't _just talk. Don't you understand? That," he pointed back towards the direction from whence they came, "That, all that happened back there- it was us, trying to _just talk_."

Angel looked back at the spot he was pointing towards while Buffy's eyes followed his finger. For a moment, there was another threatening wave of silence, but this time, laughter sliced into the the tense tranquility. Buffy was very close to completely cracking up. "You're right," she choked out between bursts of uncontrollable laughter. "That's us," she sniffed, taking a breath, "Just- just talking. I guess..." she was unable to control herself now, letting out a soft snort. In the process of doing so, she was able to trigger a hint of a smirk and (although he probably would never admit it) a slight chuckle out of Angel as well, before finishing. "We're kinda down on luck, aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we are," Angel admitted in a much lighter mood than he had previously been in. Despite the fact that Angel was just previously convinced he wasn't going to do any sharing or talking with anyone, he suddenly felt the urge to tell her everything- to spill out the events of the past two years right then and there. He felt ridden with guilt and just wanted someone else to carry some of the burden on their shoulders. She would forgive him, he already knew that and had already decided it earlier. Maybe then, after sharing and after her acceptance, he could reach some sort of peace of mind... anything to just make it all stop. That possibility lost all of its glory as soon as Buffy's worried voice disrupted his thoughts.

"Uhh, Angel?"

"Mmmm?"

"Do you know where we are?"

"Nope," he answered simply. He had absolutely no clue where Lilah had dragged him, he was too busy being unconscious to really get a good look at any scenery. The sad fact was, however, that he at least knew what direction to head in, and he didn't care to discuss the details as to how he could manage to figure that much out. "We're not too far, though," He suggested quietly. When he received a puzzled and almost demanding glance from Buffy, he sighed- defeated. "Vampire. The scent.. it-I just know," Angel finished sheepishly.

"Ah... right," Buffy concluded, nodding to herself in regret for even bothering to bring up the question. She was used to it by now, but the fact that it had made him uncomfortable had somehow managed to make her feel slightly less comfortable as well. Buffy should have paid attention to where Lilah had been taking her, but she had been too taken aback by the ambush and trying to ensure Angel's safety that the last thing she worried about happened to be where they dragged them. That was of no consequence, however, Angel knew where he was going... or so she hoped. At least he sounded confident, and that was reassuring, if anything.

"So umm," Angel closed his eyes, shaking off another wave of pain that threatened his back. Damn Kate. Trying to just shrug it off, he barely hesitated. "How's Sunnydale? With... Dawn and Willow and everyone?" He figured he may as well start out with the basics of a potentially casual conversation. Besides, as long as he could keep his mind off any of the more pressing matters at hand, then hopefully he wouldn't end up having to bring them up. If only he would be so lucky.

"Same old same old. You'd think while I was dead they'd at least make an effort to expand the mall." Unfortunately for Buffy, her attempt of a joke didn't bring even a hint of a smile to Angel's face. Well why did he always have to be so negative or serious? She admitted to herself that sometimes he could really be compared to the social equivalent of a brick wall. "That was a joke, Angel..." She cocked her head, looking up at him expectantly.

"Sorry, just thinking."

"And, in doing that, you lead me to believe that nothing good can possibly be said after you're through. Are you gonna... you know, express those thoughts anytime soon?" What was wrong with that vampire? He always seemed to be thinking as of late. Perhaps some things really had not changed...

"Was it just me or did Lilah kinda... not have her heart in it today?" When Buffy just gave him a blank stare, he sighed. "If there's one thing I've learned out here, it's not to underestimate Wolfram & Hart. It doesn't make sense to me. First they send Lilah out, they intend for me to... attack or kill you- I still haven't quite figured that minor detail out... but that's not even the jist of it. Then Kate comes along as well. Why would they send her to do any of the follow up work? I mean, Lilah could have handled everything on her own, she didn't really have any risks or... problems. You know, now that I think of it... Lilah wasn't really there for anything but moral support-"

"And she's _so _bad at the moral part. Okay, well... and the support too..."

"You can say that again," Angel muttered.

"How long has Wolfram & Hart been at your throat, Angel? What did you do to piss off an entire law firm?"

"I got a soul," he responded simply. That was probably the only reason they happened to be so interested in him. He was supposed to be important or something of that nature. It had something to do with an apocalypse or two, that was almost a given. Whatever the reason, he just knew they were driving him insane. "They didn't like another _player_ in town... I'm too much of a threat because with me around, they can't do all their dirty dealings. I've slammed the door in their faces more times than they can count. They're evil, pure evil... and they harvest themselves here on Earth because they are able to thrive off the sin, evil and disruption that human beings cause."

Wow... that was deep. It was also something Buffy didn't want to be reminded of at the moment. The pain, suffering and evil in the world- she wished none it had existed. If that were the case, then maybe coming back to live in this hell wouldn't have been as difficult as it was. "Take off your shirt." Buffy firmly demanded pretty much out of the blue.

Angel turned around, giving her a glare that read off to be completely confused. He paused a moment, narrowing his eyes, "Excuse me?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, stepping closer to him and tugging on the sides of his shirt. "Off. Now." He opened his mouth to protest, but Buffy was quicker on the rebound response. "Don't argue," she snapped, tugging once more and then staring up at him innocently. "Please?" After a heavy sigh and an almost embarrassed swallow later, Angel did as he was told without further questioning. Buffy turned his shoulders slightly so she could get a good look at his back, running her hands down it gently. "They're pretty deep," she observed both quietly and sympathetically. She took a moment to finger the bullet wound that was situated between his shoulder blade and spine. She was able to infer from the sudden shudder and arching of his shoulders accompanied by a near-agonizing (and not well hid) gasp... that the pain was still raw. His sudden gasp had caused her to pull back immediately, quickly reprimanding her actions. "S-sorry. Do... do you have anything that I can use to-"

"In my car," Angel replied solemnly, beginning to walk ahead again. The last thing he wanted to admit to her right now would be just how warm and welcoming her hands across his back had felt. The quicker they got the bullets taken care of, the better. Then everything would be alright... he could take her back to Sunnydale and along the way, they could talk like civil beings. After that, they would say their goodbyes and return to living their very separate lives... apart from each other... trying to forget. After another couple long minutes of silence, they had made it back to where Angel had parked his car. He tossed his shirt in the back of the convertible, pulling out a fresh one similar to it from the backseat to put on when she had finished.

"That's... convenient," Buffy pointed out for lack of anything better to say. Had he planned for some sort of ambush or attack since he had a shirt all prepared just in case? "So umm... nice... car," she admired the set of wheels a few moments, fighting to hold back a snicker. Never before had she actually been able to picture Angel driving. That was an odd concept all in itself... but then again how else would he have gotten anywhere? Muchless here... but ...he drove a car! "Still, no idea why you have a convertible... open top, sunlight... not really all that vamp- friendly. I think you were ripped off."

"I got a deal on it," Angel replied simply, eying her for a few moments. Did she really find him driving to be that hilarious? "What's so funny?"

"You gotta car," Buffy spat out quickly, bursting into laughter while the words lingered in the air. "_That's_ funny." In the meantime, Angel had puled out a First Aid Kit from his trunk and placed it in Buffy's hands rather bitterly. He wasn't angry, but he was at least trying to act like she had somehow managed to hurt his feelings. Unfortunately, she wasn't exactly buying it. "Oh come on, Angel... you gotta admit... it's at least a teensy bit funny!"

His mixture of a grunt and a huff was a satisfactory answer for the Slayer. She hopped into the backseat and motioned for Angel to come and sit in front of her. She pulled out her choice weapons- the cream of the crop, and a devious smirk lit up her face. It was operation time.

"Why do I suddenly get the feeling I should be running for my life?" he commented dryly, watching her all-too-happy smile with a pair of tweezers.

"Just sit down," she commanded, waiting for him to do so. After he did, she let out a sigh before going to work on prying out the bullets. Angel wasn't too happy about her unartful bullet-dislodging skills. He was happy to point that out with exaggerated flinching and whimpering throughout the entire experience. When she finally managed to pull one out, the triumph crossed her proud smile, "I got one!"

"ONE?" Angel whipped his head back around to glare at her, bubbling with all sorts of emotions- pain and anger being of the most frequent. "All that, and you just got ONE?"

"I thought I did good! I-It's not like I pull bullets out of people all that often," she retorted back with a roll of her eyes. "So touchy." When she lifted her arms up again to begin on the second bullet, Angel reached back to grab her hand. She stared at his hand a few moments, swallowing softly. Why did he have to do that? Darn that vampire! She managed to choke out his name scoldingly, "A-Angel..."

"You really don't need to do this, Buffy- it's not like they won't help me out when I get back..."

"By then it'll be mostly healed up," she responded defensively. "It's better to get them out now..." and a smile crossed her features while she tacked on, "before you start setting off metal detectors wherever you go!" Without further ado, she went to work on the second bullet, managing to pull it out quicker and more efficiently than the last one. Needless to say, the fewer gasps and winces were proof of said fact. "There, see? That wasn't so bad." She then took a few moments to run her fingers across the tender bullet wounds that were already beginning their healing process. "And it's just like..." Just like what, exactly? Like before- like he used to be before she unleashed the demon inside him? Every memory she had that involved the two of them together brought her nothing but pain. It wasn't because she hated Angel or that he had hurt her intentionally... it was because they were forbidden to be together. That knowledge killed her. She wanted to stab whatever psycho created the catch phrase that 'knowledge is power.' They could not have been further from the truth.

He closed his eyes, relieved that the bullets were finally out and relaxing beneath the warmth that her hands provided. He took a few more moments of basking in her touch before turning around to look her in the eyes, relishing at the pride expressed in her features. Apparently she was particularly proud of herself for being able to dislodge the bullets with minimal difficulty- and she was radiating with happiness as well. This was how it was supposed to be, he rarely got to see her enough as it was- let alone seeing her happy. That was why he constantly thought of the day that never was, because it was the strongest memory he retained that he could remember her so carefree and content... That was something he was not able to give her. Not now, and not like this.

"I... really... think I should..." Buffy didn't want to finish that sentence. She knew she had to get back to Sunnydale, she had things to take care of. She was beginning to feel guilty for dumping all the bills and Dawn onto Giles and rushing out the door like some hurricane Buffy. "With Dawn..." She added quietly, the incomplete fragment finishing up her thought just in case Angel didn't catch on.

"It's probably best if you did," Angel painfully assured her. He had understood what she was going to say long before she added Dawn's name into the mix, but he was not about to let her leave like this. They still needed to talk about things, as much as it pained him to admit that to himself. "I want you safe," he said simply, "I'll take you back." After another silence he stupidly added (as if it were not already evident), "In my car."

"I slay demons and vampires every single night, Angel. What makes you think that some random wannabe-mugger on a city bus is... going... to..." but much to her frustration, that seemed to be as far as her thoughts were going to take her this time. Was it so very wrong to feel herself becoming trapped beneath that... admiring... penetrating... and almost hurtful gaze? She hated to admit it, but those eyes still had more power over her than she was aware of. "I'm sorry," she apologized quickly, quietly. "...Was I... talking?"

"Wasn't important."

"Okay good."

----

_Muahaha... next chappie soon. This fic is wrapping up... :( Sad, huh? But no worries, because the sequel will clear up anything still sketchy by the end of this one. Please review or umm- club me with a stick if you may. Thanks! And yes, I DID intend to name this chapter Borrrgjaaeldkfg. Does it not explain this chapter very well? Admit it._


	11. Different Place, Different time

**Notes: **Like I said, I'm not really noting much anymore. I BIG thanks to the continuous support of everyone. Y'all make me feel quite special... and I write for you! _ALSO-_ If you are able, I am in need of an extra consultant for parts of my next story/sequel (Unbidden) so... if you're into AtS 5, I'd love to have your assistance for reasons we can discuss over PMs. So don't be afraid to mail me, I don't bite.

**Special Thanks: **Who would I be if I were not to thank my dearest pals Alice and Danielle for their continued support and... beta-ness? Without them, this story would not be storyful! This one's for you guys. I think something bad happened to alice though. :( If you read this hun, I still love you!

**A Different Place, A Different Time**

Buffy was just leaning closer when she suddenly realized what was about to happen. It looked as if Angel had come to a similar conclusion at the same time, as he let out an agitated sigh and drew back slightly. His words that accompanied this action sliced through her heart like a meat-cleaver of sorts, "If we let something happen here... now..."

"We'll want more," Buffy choked out, knowingly. She was so frustrated, it was simply radiating off of her body. "But Angel," she pleaded, looking up at him so innocently, so painfully, "I don't even care anymore." She swallowed, trying to fight the lump forming in her throat. "I-I... just being back here now, and everything- i-it's so confusing and I just wish I... I don't even care. I really wish I did... like maybe then I'd have some sort of conscience left in me, some type of will o-or willpower, but I don't. Angel, I DON'T CARE!"

Angel had to close his eyes in order to keep from being distracted by the haunting glare she held against him. He should have known this whole trip was not a good idea, it was all just going to fall apart on them again. They should not have met. This theory was definitely not probable, though. He knew he had to see her after she had returned. The whole concept of her revival had seemed too good to be true. And it was. Right now, he could not ask for anything more than simply having her by his side. "Buffy we... I know... it is confusing. Maybe... maybe we should just get going now," he suggested, hoping that offering a subject change might shift the mood in the air. Well, that was successful, but the mood received wasn't necessarily the one he had hoped for.

"And that's it?" Buffy bit back her lip, almost surprised she had just said what she did. "That's all then? We go back and... and live and pretend-"

"Buffy, please... don't start this with me. Not now, okay?"

"Why? Because we aren't in a sewer? I mean that is, after all, the perfect heartbreak setting, right?" She whipped her head the other way- anything just to keep from facing him right now. "I get it. I don't need you to say anything, alright? I get it, really."

"No, that's not- Buffy, will you just listen to me? Just for a little bit? Maybe if things were different, maybe if I could- I don't know. Things wouldn't work, even if I came back now, it wouldn't work. It took me a long time to realize that, and I don't want to even believe that much."

"How could you? How could you act like- like you care and," Buffy shook her head, grasping for words. "Just nevermind. Like I said, I don't care anymore. I'm going home," she started to get up and scoot towards the car door, but Angel grasped her arm and pulled her back defensively.

"Oh no, you are not leaving on that note," he demanded, staring her in the eyes. "That's not what I meant and you know it!" He retorted childishly.

"Like I already said, Angel... I. don't. care," she annunciated through gritted teeth. "Now let go of me, you're making this harder than it has to be." Even though she did everything in her power to divert her gaze from his, she found herself instinctively looking back up into his eyes. "Please... quit making it harder."

"This isn't supposed to be easy, Buffy," he countered, locking onto her eyes with a knowing and condemning glare. "It makes sense when we're together, we're stronger that way," Angel admitted while the brief memories of his run-in with the Mohra demon falling back to him momentarily caused his voice to falter. "But that's exactly why we can't be with each other, we're needed... in separate places to save separate lives- to save souls."

"Right. The souls, gotta be all about them souls," she retorted bitterly.

"And if it weren't for you, I'd still be living aimlessly in the streets in Manhattan, so don't think for a second that-"

Buffy chuckled, "You actually think I can formulate a thought right now?" She shook her head in disbelief. Did he even understand what he did to her? Obviously not since the stoic look on his face spoke more than any words would be able to. After her laughter died down, something seemed to tug at the back of her unstable mind. It had been bugging her since before the catastrophic run-on happened with Wolfram and Hart. Before they had even began their attempt at 'just talking.' She drummed her fingers on the side of the door in slight contemplation before licking her lips and letting her curiosity get the best of her. "So, uhh... Angel... why here?"

"Huh?" Angel blinked in confusion at the sudden change of both her mood and the subject.

"Oh, don't even pretend there wasn't a method to your madness, you have got to have had a reason to have picked this place- above all other place-like places- for us to meet... it's like... it's familiar. You knew that, I know you knew that!" Buffy accused with a glare and a slight whine while trying to figure it all out. "Weeeell?"

Angel took a few moments of silence before he finally offered her a valid response. "I'm kinda more surprised that you don't remember," Angel was almost disappointed, but tried not to show it. "It was the first place I ever saw you having fun," he stated without any further contemplation. When she proceeded to stare blankly at him yet again, he sighed. "Back when you were first Called," Angel shifted slightly, "When Whistler'd instructed me to watch you for a while- I..." Stopping a moment, he realized exactly how stalker-like that had sounded. "Okay, well what I mean to say is-"

"Angel, you're the best stalker I know, if that's any reassurance. Don't try to hide it," Buffy joked, "So are you going to finish spitting those thoughts out anytime soon or am I going to have to beat them out of you?.. Cause I figured you already know that I don't really have a problem with that."

"Well..." Angel continued, seemingly in thought. "You were new to the whole slaying thing. It was so different and difficult for you to adapt to, and I watched for quite some time before I- ... but... the first time I had been able to see you feel relaxed o-or at least semi-happy since you had been Called was, well, after you'd came out of that building with your father. I thought that maybe if we met here that perhaps it might-"

Might what? Bring about some sense of emotional sadness? No... perhaps he had meant to give her some sort of security... Angel wanted the familiarity of this chosen location to suppress her frustration and confusion from being resurrected from the dead. It was a clever sedative strategy that the Slayer was almost in awe of. Buffy turned her head back around to take a good look at the building, the strong urge to visit it one last time overpowering her senses and beckoning her forward. She did not need to hear the rest of what he had to say to understand his honest intentions, "Can we go in?" she'd cut him off and asked weakly. "I-I... wanna... just to..." her voice cracked ever-so-slightly, "j-jog my memory."

Angel had not truly figured out that ice skating was some childish passion of Buffy's until she had explained it to him herself, but he was glad that she still wanted to explore the arena. Although it had been abandoned for at least two years now, memories may serve to be at least semi-friendly to someone who was desperately grasping for something familiar to cling to for some sort of stability in this hellish world. Then again, the fact that it was abandoned and obsolete may only bring about an equal amount of pain. Angel decided he may be at a loss here but, nonetheless, he let out a defeated sigh. "Yeah, I think we can."

While Buffy got out of the car, Angel slipped into his spare shirt, buttoning it up hurriedly. She stood outside the car, planted at the spot for the time being. She concluded that perhaps she would decide to move when Angel reached her side. He walked up to her slowly now, placing his hand on the small of her back, "Are you sure?" He had to inquire, just to be positive that this was what she wanted to do, although he already knew what her response would be. Even with that statement, he began to guide her toward the abandoned building, eventually dropping his hand back down at his side.

"You know what I'm going to say," Buffy replied absently, her hand grasping for his almost immediately after he had dropped it. Although she could not exactly fathom why she did such a thing, perhaps it was out of sheer instinct or routine, but it simply felt right. Angel had been right earlier, however, they could not let anything happen. They both had to keep their heads because if they lost focus for two seconds in this screwed up lifestyle of theirs, terrible consequences could arise.

They both walked up to the entrance which was, surprisingly, (just like everything else mysterious in BtVS and AtS) unlocked and easily accessible. Upon entering, Buffy seemed to know precisely where to go. It was almost as if the information had always been in her mind, and now it was struggling to break free. She pulled Angel through the hallway and straight into the arena. The ice had long since been removed, simply because the rink was out of commission for good, but she sauntered into the (surprisingly un-corroded) bleachers. Settling down in the middle of one of the sections, she stared out at the empty rink with an unreadable expression. Sure, it was no Route 17 rink, but it was welcoming all the same. "You know... it's kinda... well, I mean... sure it's sorta empty and- and gone and not really skateable... but it's still homey," Buffy assured with a nod. "Definitely homey."

"Glad to hear it," Angel smirked at her struggle for an explanation, but let out a relieved sigh when he realized it did not trigger any of her less positive reccollections."How long... has it been now since you've... well, skated?"

"The last time?" Her brows knitted with the thought of such a concept, "Definitely when we- the last time I went skating, I was being pursued by that... crazy... order of Tucaca?"

"Taraka."

"Right." She heaved a hopeless sigh and began to think. "...When things would get crazy," Buffy started, clasping her hands together between her knees now as she stared blankly at the un-occupied and empty space that had once been a skating rink, "and I'd be all stressed out, you know?-I mean, it wasn't easy being, well, obviously popular and keeping my cool status at the same time... I'd beg my-" but then she stopped. What exactly was Hank to her? Father? Dad? None of those, really, and she did not know exactly what to refer to him as. It was not even like he had bothered to call after the death of her mother, or bothered to check up on Dawn...

"I-I'd ask to come here. Like I said, always had that strange obsession with Dorothy Hamill... and when I was here... even for a little while, I could... well, I could _be_ her. I was able relax and live my dreams. Maybe... maybe it was childish a-and stuff but... It was so relieving to get away from my parents fighting, away from school and stress, away from... from... life." She swallowed at the last word she tacked-on, trying desperately to fight back tears she had no idea as to why they were threatening her. "After I saw my first vampire... I'd been so shaken... I got to come here. A-after that though, not long after, they put me in a mental institution when I tried to explain... but for a little while... here, I was safe- I could escape. I can't do that anymore, Angel. I can't relax. Back there i-it's just like... everyone expects so much from me and I don't even know where to begin! I-I just really wish I could- I... I can't be everything," her voice had been wavering now, and the vampire had not failed to notice this. "I can't keep living in this world, not with these choices and this confusion... I don't think I was meant to," she argued, closing her eyes.

"No, you were meant to," Angel assured her, pulling her against him in a comforting embrace. "I know it because I can feel it," he continued.

"I wish I could believe you. I can't believe," she sniffed, gripping his arm in frustration, "... I-I still can't believe I'm here. You think there's gotta be a reason for it, right? Gotta be a-a purpose?"

"I asked alot of the same questions when I'd come back," Angel sighed, rubbing her back gently. "It's hard, Buffy, but it was meant to be."

"Always so cryptic," Buffy smirked, wiping her eyes quickly and leaning back to look over at him. "I don't know if I'll ever get used to that crypticness."

"You don't have to go through this alone," Angel suggested quietly.

That caught her attention. _Alone._ He was right, she did not have to go through this alone, she had- no, wait... she did not have anyone she could trust with her true feelings back home. The others, they would surely flip if they heard her side of the story. Giles expected her to be some type of mother-like figure for Dawn... to take responsibility and pay bills and... and Willow had been so proud... it would break the witch's heart to know she had pulled the Slayer out fo Heaven. Xander, Anya and Tara- they did what they believed was right... Now she was alone. Spike knew... about her being in Heaven. Wow, she really was alone. She could not bear to factor Angel into her life, that would be too stressful right now- way more confusing and troublesome than she wanted to deal with right now. Everyone expected so much of her, yet nobody knew what was truly inside of her. Except maybe Angel... but he could not be there... he should not. "No... I don't have to," Buffy replied flatly, swallowing with finality and standing up, "But I'm gonna have to."

Angel grabbed her arm, "Buffy-"

She closed her eyes, trying to block out everything around her. Everything that made her feel any sense of security, the memories of her younger years, the skating, Heaven, being with Angel, everything seemed to either come at a price or be ripped away from her. "Well... that's the price of being a Slayer, I s'pose."

-------

_So I stretched this a bit. Go me. Don't like it? Tough luck... just flame me. Actually wait- please only do it if it's constructive XD. Really, I'd appreciate a review, however- but yeah... If I get fifty, I swear I'll give everyone a hug. Next chappie? The car ride home... heh... oh, and Buffy gets chicken! You cannot forget this vital turning point in BtVS. She gets chicken. For real. You may be asking yourself why it is so important that she gets chicken. YOU WILL SEE.  
Sorry again it took so long, midterms and I also promised Id update FoR. I did. heh... so other'n that, life's good. I love my readers. -Javy_


	12. Chicken, Vital Soup for the Soul

**Notes: ** Closure. Mainly, this is just a prologue to Unbidden, so I hope yous don't run off and never return when this story finishes. That would make me sad.

kluu, thank you mucho for that input. Originally, my intention was in hopes that people picked up that he'd developed some sort of immunity to the dosage, but I don't feel that I really struck that home when writing it. I also like that idea of him attacking Kate, it makes me very glad... so I may indeed use it in a rewrite if I end up rewriting. :) I will probably be re-writing certain things too in hopes that the first two chaps don't scare my readers away, I know they suck hah...

I apologize in advance because I have realized that I have confused many people. I SWEAR my next story will NOT be that confusing.

fo'sho- I wanna say thanks. You are the reason I got this up so fast. I was chillin, got the message via email to update and wham, I set to work finishing this! Plus, you also made my day.

**Thanks: **My wonderful readers, you are amazing. My insane betas (Danielle and sometimes Alice), you are splendifforous. THANK YOU ALL for bearing with me. School's takin a toll on Java's creative abilities. Never fear, you people are not forgotten.

**Chicken- Vital Soup for the Soul**

"You can't say that," Angel muttered, trying his hardest to counter her negative attitude which was a very difficult feat to tackle when referring to Buffy Summers. "You're not alone and you know it, you have friends-"

"Who don't understand me, Angel," her voice wavered as she cut in to finish his sentence before he had a chance to, "Friends that dragged me out of Heaven, God! To this day, they don't even know they did _that._ They thought they were saving me from some alternative demon dimension. I have a sister too, one who doesn't quite understand why I'm back," It was clearly getting harder for Buffy to continue, as her voice began to choke up, yet she did so anyway. "She doesn't care, either... just so long as I'm here, alive. She's probably the easiest one to please, at least she doesn't expect me to be Wonder Woman! She wants me to be her sister, someone she can turn to in the darker times- a-a shoulder to lean on or something... But to think... I died for her. I gave up_ everything _I had, my life... just to save her. No hesitating," Buffy closed her eyes, thinking that over to herself. Yes, indeed, she had surrendered it all. All for nothing. Perhaps now she was the one who needed saving? "I'd do it again too, you know. So easily."

"Everything," Angel repeated quietly, allowing his mind to wander now back to earlier... the disturbing- what would he call those? Visions? He could not get over the nagging in the back of his mind over something he was not even able to place his finger on. "But the important thing is, Buffy... you _did _save her. You didn't fail." He did, though. _He_ failed- he had surrendered it all seemingly for nothing, and it had still left him with a completely blank memory.

"Yeah, I saved her... but I was so selfish..."

"I don't understand how giving up your life for someone else is anything even remotely selfish, Buffy."

"It was. I didn't know how to live in this world anymore... I mean... it was just too difficult. The choices... the pain...Just the thought of death- I wasn't scared of it anymore because I knew it would be closure. It would give me a peaceful ending to the violent life and impossible struggles I'd been put through. All those hurdles I jumped through- everything... gone... Yeah, I did it for her, but I also did it for me. I wanted to make it easier." Buffy shook her head, the tears that had welled up in her eyes began to fall as she did so, "I wanted to die."

"Just because you thought it was the easy way out doesn't make you a bad person. Don't beat yourself up over it, what you did still was extremely noble. You have to have your heart in the right place in order to do something like that-"

"Like what, Angel? Huh? Like what?" Buffy sniffed, glaring at him accusingly.

"To give someone else the gift of life. They... err, Dawn... had to go on with the knowledge that you had sacrificed yourself- everything you had, everything you were... just so that she may survive. Buffy, you're not looking at it from any perspective other than your own."

"Yeah, well right now mine seems to be the only one making any sense," She rolled her eyes, standing up from her position and beginning towards the door. "I've heard enough lies, I know you're just trying to flatter me, Angel, but I'm not worth it anymore. Not when I'd rather be safe six-feet underground and rotting away than then fighting evil deadmen with dental issues."

"You're wrong and you know it. Why can't you just admit defeat, take a bit of deserved credit for once? What you do, isn't easy, I get that. I've been around long enough to realize that. Especially with you, you don't give up."

"What I do isn't easy?" Buffy huffed, whirling back around to stare at him, "What I do isn't easy? I just come back from a celestial experience, being dumped back into this... this... _Hell_, and the best you can give me is 'what I do isn't easy?' I don't give up, is that it?" Buffy's inner anger seemed to be teetering on the brink of explosion, "Yeah, Angel, I'm a real pursuer. All I've ever done is give up."

"That's not true. You've saved the world what, five... six- or was it seven-"

"Six apocalypses, Angel."

"Okay, six times... You went in to fight the Master _knowing_ you would die, but you drove onward to save humanity- to do your duty. That's not giving up. You've saved my skin more times than I can-"

"-And I also sent you to Hell." Her grim truth sliced the air with an attitude that caused Angel to falter a moment, yet he still managed to whip a retort back her way within a matter of seconds.

"Would you listen to me for just, I don't know, five seconds, Buffy? Just hear me out and actually try to believe the words coming from my mouth?"

"Five... four... three..." Buffy started to mumble, only to catch Angel rolling his eyes in frustration. "Whaat? You said five seconds. Oh, time's up by the way."

"Buffy, what I mean to say is you've always stuck true to your duty," Angel started, disregarding her little press for time that he 'didn't have.' "You rarely fall off-course or off track. You've faced more evils and more dangers than anyone your age and most slayers that I've actually seen in action. It's a wonder you made it this far and still, you haven't fallen apart. I know you'll keep fighting in the end because you have a purpose. You have people that you care about and that makes you stronger than anyone else I know."

"You don't seem to get it, Angel," Buffy started to walk out now, "I have fallen apart. You just weren't around to see it." With that, however, she took off at a run, leaving the abandoned rink and just hurling herself in some random direction, unsure and uncaring as to where she may end up. Tears stung her eyes and she knew leaving like this was going to haunt her, probably for another good couple of months, maybe years- but she had to do it. She could not stand sitting there and listen to Angel try and glorify her existence. She was no saint, she knew that- so why did he continuously try to make her feel better about herself? Besides, with words like that would he even want to follow her? They were harsh, she had to admit- but it was also the truth. He had, in fact, left when she needed him the most. What did he have to say to that? She would never know, because she just had left him behind. "Oof," her muffled whimper resounded as an echo in the abandoned woods. Shaking her head, Buffy stepped back in a fighting stance and prepared to come to terms with the object she had just collided with. Surely there wouldn't be vampires out in the middle of- "Angel?" She cocked her head, narrowing her eyes slightly and staring up at the vampire with slight confusion.

"You better watch yourself," Angel offered her a half-smirk, "You're getting to be pretty predictable."

Curse him! How dare he cut her off like that... and read her mind so easily. Then again, that was one of the traits she still admired in the broody male. He was still able to predict her moves, even after so much time apart. "How did you...?"

"Saw it in your eyes," he replied simply, staring down at her in the silence. "But you know, Buffy... you say I wasn't around to see it. I-I'm sorry, you already knew that... but I still don't think you've ever completely given up. I can't believe that."

"I did, Angel.I really did," Buffy choked, "It was so much easier, just to withdraw inside myself...so I did. I trapped myself in my own thoughts- I wouldn't have to worry anymore, I was safe. A-And when Willow snapped me out of it and brought me back to reality... I just wanted to die. So I did. That, Angel... that is giving up," her voice was cracking and low now, and she was still on the brink of tears. This whole night had been a roller-coaster of emotions. She just threw herself into Angel's arms and sobbed a bit, and he let her do it in silence, knowing that the best he had to offer her now was an open ear and security. "I knew I couldn't win. It hurt so much because... when you know you're fighting a losing battle... it's not worth it anymore. It's... horrible because you don't get to play the hero. You know you've already failed to save the ones you love! Know what Giles wanted? He wanted me to KILL her."

_"So how do we stop it?"_

_"The portal will only close once the blood is stopped ... and the only way for that to happen is, um ...Buffy, the only way is to kill Dawn."_

She swallowed, trying hard to regain more of her tough-girl composure, even though Angel knew it was simply a facade from her true emotions. "I was so angry at him. How could he suggest such a thing? I couldn't kill her, Angel... I couldn't. Not even to save the entire world. I somehow... I managed to kill _you_, but I couldn't... not Dawn..."

"Because she was innocent. She didn't deserve to die," Angel replied without hesitation. To him, the answer seemed simple, and he continued to explain. "My demon... at least it did things to make you hate me. You could justify killing me by making me the enemy, ...You couldn't do that with Dawn. She was never the enemy, she had no hand in evil schemes and had no choice as to what was happening with her. As the Slayer, your sworn duty is to protect people like that, save them from the monsters, the evils, and the apocalypses. That, Buffy, is why you couldn't kill her."

Why did he have to make so much sense? Problem was, Angel was usually right too- though she did not like to admit that to him. He made it sound so clean-cut and simple. Almost noble. "I-I guess... that is right," she said quietly, clinging tighter to his coat and leaning into him for support. Angel offered a light sigh and lifted her up, carrying her back to the car wordlessly. The whole way back, which was not all that far, Buffy felt like one of the happiest beings on the planet, if only for a few moments. No words were spoken, yet she felt like a teenager again, curling up in the arms of her boyfriend. Despite all odds, however, she felt normal- if only just for a moment.

After they were both situated in the car, Angel looked over at her before he put the keys in the ignition.

She caught his glance and bit her lip, almost ready to say something, but held back. She looked over to the side, sliding her finger across the door handle while trying to think of something to say. "Angel..."

"Yeah?"

"Umm the day- The one that never happened... i-if you could umm... if you could do it again-"

"In a heartbeat. No pun intended," Angel said softly, keeping his eyes trained on the road now. Anything to look at besides her pleading face. The one that also reminded him of Kat's... and everything he had surrendered that day.

Buffy did not really like his answer though. If he would do it all again, why give it up in the first place? "Lemme get this straight though... so... You just took a whole 24 hours to weigh the ups and downs of being a regular Joe and decided it was more fun being a superhero?" She looked over at him now, accusingly- unknowingly speaking the same words that she had said to him just before forgetting that day.

That caused him to falter. Angel froze, but then tensed up and slammed on the brakes, screeching just inches away from hitting another car. He pulled off to the side of the road and ran his hand down his face slowly. "Buffy... that's not it at all," he tried to say calmly, although his head was screaming inside. Reminding him that he was, afterall, the one who erased the day in the first place. "You of all people should already know... we can't be together... not if the cost is your life or the lives of others. Don't you understand? There are people we're meant to help and if I'm mortal, I'm just another liability to you."

"I..." Buffy sighed, looking out the window in the opposite direction. "I suppose I'm kinda hurt, you know... it sounds like once again, you made another choice without me. You can't keep deciding what's best for me, Angel. I'm a big girl now, I can make my own choices. To you, I may just a sliver of your age, but you need to realize I'm _not _in high school anymore. I'm not... young o-or naive, and I _don't_ need you to pretend that I am either. Don't you think just... maybe... that when you left- that was the worst possible thing you could do for me?"

"I was thinking about your future," Angel sighed, defeated.

"Really? Were you, Angel? I think we had it just about as good as it gets. Me- Slayer, you- vampire- together we unite to defeat the forces of evil. Makes for a good comic book," she glanced over at him carefully. "It makes sense though, wouldn't you think? A regular guy can't protect me from the monsters I have to face. A regular guy would never understand who I am- what I stand for... and God knows he'd probably die before me, even, in some ridiculous attempt to draw me into some evil trap. Like you said, human equals liability. What, then, made you think that you weren't meant to be at my side?"

Angel was silent for a good, long time, just staring in front of him. It almost looked like he was entering one of those annoying brooding sessions. "I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore," he finished quietly.

This left Buffy to stare ahead of them as well. The darkness outside seemed so welcoming, and a very nice distraction from the talk they were trying to have. For some reason, however, she stopped accusing Angel. She understood what he meant, and she could feel it as well. He had always been the stronger one- she could always see him cutting things off before they got too intense. How much tension did one have to put up with before they finally exploded. "I... I'm sorry," Buffy apologized with sincerity, "I shouldn't always count on you to do the... the endy-cutoff thing. Maybe if I were stronger-"

"No. You are strong, don't think otherwise."

"I didn't stop to think how hard it must have been. I was only... thinking about my side," she confessed sadly. "I tried to hate you, you know... just to forget. That never worked, it never will. I get that now." When Angel offered her nothing but his stoic silence, she leaned back, letting out a hefty sigh. "Maybe, though... one day... do you think we may finally get a chance to have peace- the two of us... together?" Still, no answer from the broody vampire. "It'd be nice, wouldn't it?" Buffy added quietly, shifting uncomfortably due to his lack of speech. "...Angel?"

"Nice... yeah... it would be nice," he said after long last, snapping out of whatever trance he had happened to be in and glanced back at her. "But right now-"

"Right. We pretend like nothing happened. I'm getting pretty good at that act," she explained simply, while he shifted the car back in gear and got back on the road. For a while, there was nothing left between the two of them to say, but then Buffy finally sprang another unwanted question out in the opening. She could not hold it in much longer, "And about our daughter? D-Do you know what happened with that? Do you remember her? How something-"

"I don't know why, but I don't have much memory of it all. I do know that it had something to do with Giles and me performing a spell for some... odd... reason," Angel said icily. "I don't know what it was for or why, but I do know one thing... If I ever find out, I'll probably only hate myself more. Maybe the whole thing was a fluke... just to throw us both off. Whatever the case may be, it had to have done with a life-or-death situation or I would have never tried such a thing. It had to have been worth it. Your life must have been at stake."

Giles again. Her hatred towards her watcher grew ever so slightly, and Buffy was on the verge of actually bursting. This was getting to be slightly out of hand. She did not feel that she would ever recover from this little session. In fact, the best she could do is pass everything off as a bad dream and pretend that both today and the broken memories that she had been given were nothing more than a mere nightmare gone wrong. "You really think it was worth it?"

Angel offered her a quick glance, a gaze that spoke volumes, "If it saved you from pain... even just for a bit longer... it was more than worth it."

They both knew that what Angel spoke was the truth, and it was a truth that had managed to silence the both of them the rest of the car-ride, until that 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign appeared in clear sight. Funny thing, that sign. It had been knocked down, only to be replaced the following day. Just something about a cheery sign welcoming one to a Hellmouth made her wonder ever-so-slightly what was wrong with the world. Perhaps it should say just that. Welcome to the Hellmouth. Then at least it would be far more accurate.

And then something struck her- Chicken! She would bear the poultry in the midst of her adopted (scooby) family in hopes that they would reaccept her into their clan. The chicken would not only fill their stomachs, but provide a necessary diversion in attempt to ignore addressing any standing issues. Yes, she would use it as a scapegoat. Distract them with the chicken and they will forget. Forget where she was and what she had been dealing with. What a wondrous thing the fowl was.

---

As she held the bucket of fried chicken, with the Doublemeat Palace logo adorning it, above her head, she danced up to the doorstep to put on a show for the vampire of a chauffeur, watching her from a distance to ensure her safe passage from creepy dark stalkery-type creatures of the night that she would otherwise be fighting, had the day been any different.

Yes, the poultry would solve everything. Well, that was what Buffy was thinking, up until she would discover a cold-hard truth. The people she was trying to please... had _already eaten_!

"Hello?" Buffy peeked her head in the door, only to snap it in the diningroom direction as soon as she heard Willow's voice.

"Buffy?"

"Oh. Yep, it's me, and I brought dinner," Doing her best to keep up the cheerful act, she entered the dining room with a slight grin, "Deep fried chicken parts. Hope you're..." But this is when our dear slayer froze, for she had realized the grave truth. It spelled trouble on the table in front of them. "...hungry... You already ate."

"Ooh- No! Well, uh, yes, obviously," Giles stuttered, trying to defend her heroic attempt.

"Uh, we didn't know when you'd be coming back," Dawn pointed out sheepishly. The poor girl actually did look apologetic. She also looked slightly troublesome, however, as if she were ready to spring upon Buffy for something. Some knowledge in which she wished to acquire. Angel knowledge.

"It's okay," Buffy replied with renewed optimism, trying to shift the mood from awkward into unquestioning. "More for me."

--

_The End. (Yes, I know this story needs editing, thanks to all those that provided input- you have been heard and yes, I will try to improve. Thanks!)_


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